BJ is busy recovering from a freak jaw incident last night, so I (Jake) am filling in for him to talk about new movies coming out today. There are lots of openings and all of them look terrible, so I'll be brief.
Today was the first I heard about Lonely Hearts. When I saw it on the IMDB sidebar, I thought, Surely no one was stupid enough to remake a movie with TWO different excellent versions: The Honeymoon Killers and Deep Crimson. Of course, someone was indeed stupid enough, and the casting of the two main characters is so shockinly bad, I am just speechless. I can't even begin to describe the amazing extent of the miscasting. Anyone who pays money to see this movie is a heretic.
Horror movies are not supposed to be rated PG-13. Now add Shia LeBeouf and a plot reading like a watered-down version of Fright Night only much worse than that could possibly sound, and you've got Disturbia. It's a movie about the dark underbelly of suburbia. What an incredibly original concept. The novelty is slaying me (and someone from next door is probably watching! O M G!!!).
This movie also looks like a pile of shit, despite the fact that its director once directed an episode of "Twin Peaks." But I guess quite a few of the people involved with that show went on to less-than-amazing future projects.
Also opening: Aqua Teen Whatever, the only compelling reason to watch one of the above three movies. And two weeks from today, a romantic comedy starring Adam Brody is opening that looks so horrifying, I think the American film industry may spontaneously implode upon its release.
Anyway, it's Friday the 13th, so watch some good horror movies on DVD, drink Sangre del Toro (or, better yet, a superior Chilean peer), and sink your teeth into some black pudding, or whatever the vegetarian equivalent is, in my case. Happy goring.
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