Guest BJ: Jake on Films--April 20, 2007

The cavalcade of shit begins with Vacancy, a suspense thriller with a bad premise and an annoying cast (since when was Ethan Embry still working?) Its unfortunately named Hungarian director, Nimród Antal, made a movie a few years ago called Kontroll that won some awards. Thank god he's in Hollywood making shit now! We can't let those foreigners (probably communist ones, too) compete with us. They must assimilate to our level of cinema.


The good news about Fracture is that Ryan Gosling is in it. The bad news is that it's supposed to be a "smart legal thriller" according to the Village Voice. Good review in the Voice notwithstanding, this is the kind of movie that is always around and I have zero interest in. Ryan Gosling is going to be an 100 more movies in the near future, so I'll wait until something less uninspiring comes out.


And: a movie I actually want to see. Is that I sign of the apocalypse? Although I didn't like Shaun of the Dead as much as I hoped to, Hot Fuzz looks better and funnier. And hopefully it will be. The producers are linked to all sorts of awesome British Comedy, the reviews are good, and I'm probably an idiot for having high expectations.

Big-Screen BJ for April 6, 2007

It's another horrifying weekend at the movies! The much-hyped and long-awaited Grindhouse, featuring two movies in one direced by Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez with an intermission of supposedly ultra-grody horror previews, hits the big screen. Not since Four Rooms has a vanity project this indulgent hit the screen, with the possible exception of The Passion of the Christ, of course. Like that controversial movie, this new one is also going to be controversial, plus it's super-gross and over three hours long!

Call me crazy, but a horror double-feature where I have to spend three hours wondering when I'll have to look away from the screen--because of naked women-parts as well as gone!--does not sound like my idea of a good time. However, I'm sure many of you disagree, so please let me know whether this is worth the ticket.


In The Reaping, Hilary Swank lends her considerable talent to a horror tale about a town that seems to eb suffering from biblical plagues. What is it with religious and horror mixing in the movies? I guess some of those old Bible stories would probably be considered horror movies if they were filmed, but just makae a documentary of Sunday school classes in rural Iowa and it'll be scarier than The Shining. I mean, just the food! The memories I have of Jell-O salads, dump bars, and techicolor sandwich loaves will linger long after I can enter a cave without The Descent ruining my nerves.

Anyway, a bonus in this film is the casting of Idris Elba, whose resume includes the bizarre TV combination of "Absolutely Fabulous" (the fabulicious "Sex" episode: "Razzle? Month? Year?") and "The Wire." Then again, with two horror movies for the price of one competing with it, this may not be the best weekend for the movie to open. Hopefully god will lead it to box office success.


For those of you who want to go the opposite direction, and for kids of all ages but, according to reviews, lower than average maturity levels, there's always Are We There Yet? Now, I would rather poke my eyes out (with a crucifix-shaped knife just to stay in theme, and while a trendy but obscure 70's rock song is playing, just for Quentino) than see this movie, and this is coming from someone who saw Home Alone six times in a theater. Of course, that was years ago, but watching someone get hurt and act klutzy in the suburbs ala bad sitcoms is not going to attract my movie-going ticket.

It's too bad that when we had good weather a couple of weeks ago, the premieres were exciting, while now it's cold but the new movies look awful. I guess it'll be a good weekend to catch up on older movies and maybe do some knitting and crocheting, if you catch my drift. Have a delicious weekend and don't forget to have a mimosa or a bloody mary, or several, on Easter for me! May your holiday otherwise be horror-free, religious or not.

Big-Screen BJ for March 30, 2007

For figure skating fans, this is a truly exciting day. First we had The Cutting Edge, then many years later a fantastic little film by the name of Ice Princess. Now comes Blades of Glory, the slapstick (slapskate?) comedy from the always-hoot-producing Will Farrell. Jon Heder, who is possibly as skinny as Johnny Weir, is his skating foil. I'm interested to see whether the intense gay quotient of skating is represented in the movie. Will they homo it up, and if so, will it be in good but funny taste?

No matter what, you can be sure this will be good for a laugh of twenty. I can't wait to see the fantastic skating scenes: the lifts, the jumps, the double reverses back sit-spins. Speaking of sit-spins, I hope there are some real (and real cute) male skaters on screen in this one. Brian Joubert, anyone? Meow! Anyway, you better believe I am going to be there gripping an extra-large candy bar in anticipation tonight.


Another high-concept comedy opening today is Blind Dating, which stars a very cute actor who was in one of my favorite TV shows, "American Dreams." He plays a blind guy who falls in love with an Indian (think alu gobi, not Sitting Bull) chick. Imagine the jokes from the double-whammy of sight impariment and cultural divides! I think this is going to be one of the sleeper comedies of the Spring, although it could also wind up being horrible, offensive, and utterly unfunny. Are you brave enough to check it out? Keep your eyes open if you do! And let me know.


I love, love, love Joseph Gordon-Levitt! He has risen from not-so-cuteness is "Third Rock" to a much cuter and much hotter indie career! He wasn't afraid to play gay in Mysterious Skin, one of my obsucre picks from last year. And today, he stars in the brand new film The Lookout, a gritty thriller where he plays a former high school athlete now desparate for money. His character, a janitor, becomes involved in a violent heist, and the explosive action continues from there.

I have to say, he can wipe my floors with his mop anytime! But if the movie is exciting and solid, the hotness factor will only be the icing on the cake--or, in this case, the peefoam on the urinal cake may be a more apt analogy.

Overall, it's a great weekend for movies! The weather here is dreary and rainy, Don is recovering from a wicked sinus infection, and it couldn't be more perfectly times with this triple-feature of cinematic entertainment. See you at the multiplex!

Big-Screen BJ for March 23, 2007

Another one bites the wagon! Hot piece of man/boy-meat Jesse Metcalfe joined the ever-growing list of celebrities in rehab this week. Rehab is the hottest trend since the heydey of UGGs! I'm going to have to dive into a bottle of Cabana Boy and see if I can qualify myself. However, with Brit and Lindsay, it's obvious that there are drug and alcohol problems up the wazoo justifying the rehab. With Jesse, though? Does he look like he would dare consume the calories? Is there a special calorie-free liquor available only to John Tucker? I have a strong feeling that the "rehab" he's going to is for something other than hitting the bottle. Hint: replace "hitting" with "sucking," and you'll be on the right track. Best wishes!



Oh, the memories! That picture certainly gave me lots of good vibrations when I was a troubled adolescent. Anyway, it's old news that Marky overcame his 80's lameness and is now a huge, ultrahot star. Today his new film Shooter opens. When I first heard the title, I hoped it was inspired by the classic song by Rednex. If they had a second hit after "Cotton Eye Joe," "Shooter" would've been a great choice. Unfortunately, though, this movie is some stupid political thriller about a guy who gets framed for trying to assassinte the president. To make matters worse, Marky's characters is named Bob Lee Swagger. That sounds like a bag drag king! I think I'll skip this one.



Rounding out the trifecta of hunky manliness this week is another blast from the past: TMNT! Personally, I think it's bodacious and dudical that these surfer-speaking heroes are back! I have to say, if I was going to swing with a female cartoon, April wouldn't be too low on the list. But those hot, phallic weapons! I must say, Leonardo can impail me with his bo anytime. I'm sure this movie will be awful, but I'm still going to indulge my nostalgia as soon as I have time to step away from the World Figure Skating Championships. Speaking of which:

An Apologetic BJ

In my figure skating excitement yesterday, I accidentally reported that ESPN was showign the pairs event last night. It was actually the original dance. Aplogize to anyone whose life was ruined by this mistake. In fact, ESPN isn't covering the pairs competition at all until the 31st, after every other event including the exhibition! Could this be because pairs is the one thing the U.S. has no medal chance in? I am infuriated, but I will wait until the 31st unspoiled because I love the Chinese pairs and I can't wait to see their throw quads and lifts and all the fantasy!

I'll talk more over the weekend about this incredible event, including last night's men's finale. Johnny disappointed, Daisuke thrilled, and Brian took it home (but, for once, kept his shirt on--boo hoo).

Big-Screen BJ for March 16, 2007

Donnie's back! Or, if he never went away, I certianly haven't kept up with his career, so he's back to me. I'm lucky in that I was the right age to appreciate both waves of boy bands. Sure, I didn't like LIKE NKOTB in the same explicitly sexual way as Juntin Timberlake, but I knew there was something special about the boys from Beantown. Joey was my personal favorite. Oh, Joey Mac, how I dreamed about having a slumber party with him and listening to Tiffany and Debbie Gibson.

Bad boy Donnie was not my favorite. I think it was the facial hair, and the felonies, that put me off. It's just not my thing. But I'm happy that Donnie is back, starring in Dead Silence a horror movie about a killer ventriloquist's dummy. It sounds horrible, but who knows, maybe it'll be up there with Child's Play. In the unlikely case it is actually scary, I'll bring Don, if I can convince him to forget the bruises I left in his arm during Blair Witch.



Perhaps we'll do a horror double-feature and check out Behind the Mask, too. It seems to be a horror/comedy mix with mocumentary elements and the guy who played Freddie Kreuger. So, Christopher Guest does female Freddie morphed into a straight-up slasher? Sounds like I'll need Benadryl to make it through this one. Let's hope it's playing at the movie theater that makes pina coladas.

For you artsy people, Oscar-nominated Kazakh movie Nomad is opening this week. The genuine Kazakh history and scenery may make you forget the portrayal of that country in a certain famous movie that just came out on DVD.

Really, this seems to be a not so interesting week for new movies, but there's figure skating on DVD, a new season of "The Golden Girls" coming from Netflix today, and a pint of Cherry Garcia in the freezer, so I'm set for the weekend.

Big-Screen BJ for March 9, 2007

It's hard to say that Abigail Breslin was robbed at the Oscars, but any other year, which is to imply any year where the divalicious Jennifer Hudson was not up against her, it would have been a different story. The adorable, simply edible Breslin, whose performance in Little Miss Sunshine was hilarious, touching, and cool, was right up there with the other amazingly brilliant actors in the cast. Twenty years from now, when we look back at the films of the 00's, I predict that LMS will stand the test of time much better than many Oscar winners.

For now, though, Abigail Herself is back on the big screen as Emily in The Ultimate Gift, about a wealthy young man who must complete twelve tasks to earn his inheritance from his recently groaked grandpapa. The bad news: this movie was made by the Christian wing (angelic, to be certain) of Fox. The good news: Abby B. is playing a Leukemia victim, so next year may be Oscar time!



Hot ethnic boy alert! That's right, Kal Penn is moving on up after the homophobic piece of crap that was Van Wilder Part Deux (and without Ryan Reynolds, it was tragic for gay men in another way). The former and future Kumar tackles a serious role in The Namesake, adapted from the debut novel of Pulitzer Prize-winning author Jhumpa Lahiri. This movie comes with a literary pedigree and an experienced directrix (Mira Nair), and looks to be a heartwarming Desi chickflick. Add a hint of nudity (I hereby TM Pennis if no one has yet!), and I am so there.



Also opening in seleced cities today: the Korean smash hit The Host, a monster movie that is also supposed to be a political allegory about dumb Americans, toxic waste, or something. I don't know if I'll get the politics, but sometimes I just want to settle in with a big bag of popcorn wanting to shriek with terror. The Korean movies I've seen in the past have made me shriek with disgust instead, though, so hopefully this one is more Godzilla than Reservoir Dogs.

This is BJ Casanova signing out for the week, and wishing you cinematic pleasure!