Guest BJ: Jake on Films--April 20, 2007

The cavalcade of shit begins with Vacancy, a suspense thriller with a bad premise and an annoying cast (since when was Ethan Embry still working?) Its unfortunately named Hungarian director, Nimród Antal, made a movie a few years ago called Kontroll that won some awards. Thank god he's in Hollywood making shit now! We can't let those foreigners (probably communist ones, too) compete with us. They must assimilate to our level of cinema.


The good news about Fracture is that Ryan Gosling is in it. The bad news is that it's supposed to be a "smart legal thriller" according to the Village Voice. Good review in the Voice notwithstanding, this is the kind of movie that is always around and I have zero interest in. Ryan Gosling is going to be an 100 more movies in the near future, so I'll wait until something less uninspiring comes out.


And: a movie I actually want to see. Is that I sign of the apocalypse? Although I didn't like Shaun of the Dead as much as I hoped to, Hot Fuzz looks better and funnier. And hopefully it will be. The producers are linked to all sorts of awesome British Comedy, the reviews are good, and I'm probably an idiot for having high expectations.

BJ's Giant Clicker for April 19, 2007

It was the best of hairstyles, it was the worst of hairstyles. Well, maybe not the best, but we sure got our money's worth from Sanjaya. Although none were as bad as Daniel V.'s everyday greasy shag nightmare on "Project Runway," the flat-ironed delight pictured here is virtually tied with the Carrot Top bandana explosion for my least favorites.

Oh, he was there to sing, too? Did anyone really care? His one decent performance wasn't in English, wasn't that great, and was accompanied by the scariest drag king facial hair since that shoot on ANTM a few weeks ago. Will Sanjaya go on to success in the entertainment industry, be assassinated by Fred Phelps-followers, or simply fade into oblivion? I already don't care!


On the other hand, I will truly miss Jael. Although no one could've thought she would win this cycle of ANTM, she brought spirit, style, and spunk unlike the other girls. Yesterday, Tyra said Jael was like an anarchist making fun of Cover Girl. I don't know how accurate that is, but that concept could fuel several weeks of fantastically entertaining episodes.

Jael doesn't have a future in modeling, but neither does anyone else on the show (with the hopeful to me but unlikely exception of Natasha). However, I will always remember her cracked-out brilliance. Also this week, the girls went to Australia and met the delightfully bitchy former host of AusNTM, Erika Heynatz. Erika, luckily, didn't try to sing, but alienated the girls by using such incoherent Aussie slang as "knackered." The photo shoot was a Cover Girl commercial where the girls were supposed to fake Australian accents. It was a disaster, and not as amusing as it should've been. Renee and Natasha sucked the least, but everyone else sucked a whole lot. Jaslene is somehow getting uglier by the week, Dionne is played out, and I'm fully supporting Natasha (who also won a challenge with the reward of being a correspondent for an episode of Tyra's daytime show!).

Small-Screen BJ for April 18, 2007

Now that The Last King of Scotland is available on DVD, everyone can relive Forrest Whittaker's fantastic performance and try to forget how crappy his Oscar acceptance speech was. There isn't really anything funny or witty I can say about a movie chronicling one of the worst dictators in history, so I'll just say: See it!


On a lighter note, season six of "Murder She Wrote" is now available on DVD. I remember enjoying the twists and turns in every episode, and hoping Angela Lansbury would make it through unscathed. Those were the days before I knew she even had a British accent in real life! Going through the episode titles, I'm already excited to watch these, whether I've seen them before or not.

This is the season that includes both "Appointment in Athens" and "The Szechuan Dragon." While only one of those sounds like a restaurant, the international flavor is thrilling. I love it when mysteries take place in exotic foreign locales. Also intriguing: Episode 5, "Jack and Bill." Did the show go homo in 1989? Was the episode "Night of the Tarantula" related to that trashy movie about spiders? Later on is number 20, "Shear Madness." Hairdressers = more gay? Why aren't there reruns on Bravo? Finally, the finale is another trip abroad for "The Sicilian Encounter." I had one of those in college one night and it was indeed spicy!


If you're in the mood for some cute boys, look no further than History Boys. Although the title sounds like a bad Disney educational time-travel movie, this is really an adaptation of a hit play. It's about English school boys, but it's funnier than Dead Poets Society and just as heart-warming. This is truly one of those movies that just makes you happy and have fun, and in these days of tragic news, that is a good thing even Martha Stewart would approve of!

Audio BJ for April 17, 2007

There are only four major album releases today, but one of them is so exciting, it makes up for the small numbers. Finally, you can get The Best Damn Thing by Avril Lavigne. If all the songs are as good as the hit single "Girlfriend," it will certainly live up to its title!

I remember a few years ago when every gay bar in Iowa was filled with cookie cutter Abercrombitches doing karaoke to "sk8erboi." Those were the days of slippery nipples and bathroom cruising, but that song wore out its welcome. Luckily, Avril has moved on just like I have, and I have a feeling this is going to be the album for Spring and Summer pop music fun. Just what we need in tragic times!


I have to admit that I don't really get the Nine Inch Nails. The whole Goth thing just escapes me: anorexic boys wearing make up (okay, I get that part, but still!) and brooding while listening to music about death and sex, often at the same time. Sure, their videos are cool, but they just aren't my style. If I want to hear something edgy, there are several Cranberries songs that will do the trick quite nicely.

However, I know there are a lot of NIN fans out there, and to you I say: I know it seems obvious that the band's name is a penis reference, but is that true? Is there something gay going on here? I must know! Anyway, the new NIN album, Year Zero, was released today.

The other two new releases are by Joseph Arthur and Robert Pollard, and I have absolutely no idea who these people are, so instead I will create another fabulous entry in:

BJ's Big Playlist

In an ode to Avril, here are pop punk classics by female vocalists that will get you dancing alone in the house, in the car, and anywhere you go!

1. Kelly Clarkson - "Since U Been Gone"
2. Ashlee Simpson - "Boyfriend"
3. Avril Lavigne - "Girlfriend"
4. The Go-Go's - "Vacation"
5. No Doubt - "Just a Girl"
6. Joan Jett and the Blackhearts - "I Hate Myself for Loving You"
7. Meredith Brooks - "Bitch"
8. Hole - "Malibu"
9. The Muffs - "Kids in America"
10. The Donnas - "Skintight"

Mr. BJ Goes to Washington for April 16, 2007

My sincere apologies for ditching my blogging duties on Friday. Unfortunately, a terrifying and embarrassing incident at home required a rush trip to the emergency room. However, my jaw is just fine, but I am going to dedicate today's entry to stories reminding us that our lives aren't that bad. So, readers, remember: Even when it turns out the boy you picked up at Trikxx is a 45-year-old woman with three children and a criminal record, someone, somewhere (particularly in Africa) has it much, much worse.

BJ's Eye View: Global Tragedy Edition


Bestiality is a tragic sickness in America and all over the world. Growing up in Iowa, there were always stories about some horny lonely farmer or high school drop-out visiting the stable for a quickie. However, in our civilized country, we ostracize and punish these brazen criminals.

In Sudan, apparently that is not the case. As sad as this is, it seems to refute the right-wing argument that legalizing gay marriage would lead to people marrying animals. Us gays want to move forward, not backwards (at least when we're talking about progressive rights--rather than literal movement). While in Sudan, where I doubt it's okay to even have a rainbow sticker on your rickshaw, people are marrying animals right as we speak!


Poor Prince William, and poor Kate Middleton. Their break-up is all over the news. Unlike royalty, I never felt horrible pressure to continue my college relationships, and yet Don and I are still going strong years later. The media are so hard on the royals. Of course, political children get their share of trauma in America, too. Can you imagine the poor fate of any man seen publicly dating a Bush daughter?


When I think of institutions that have caused stress and horror over the centuries, to repeat offenders are the Catholic Church and the fur industry. So it's not surprising that the Pope drapes himself in luxurious furs, although that dandy look and the gay or pimp images it evokes can't be good for his reputation. Anyway, finally someone is taking action and trying to break up this unholy alliance. Will the two institutions be less powerful individually this way? Who knows, but at least the Pope won't look like an extra in a particularly experimental Lil Kim video.

On the bright side, however, today is free cone day at Ben and Jerry's! So, if you have one nearby, go and forget your problems with a delicious cone if you have the time.

Big-Screen Guest BJ for Friday the 13th of April, 2007

BJ My Guest

BJ is busy recovering from a freak jaw incident last night, so I (Jake) am filling in for him to talk about new movies coming out today. There are lots of openings and all of them look terrible, so I'll be brief.


Today was the first I heard about Lonely Hearts. When I saw it on the IMDB sidebar, I thought, Surely no one was stupid enough to remake a movie with TWO different excellent versions: The Honeymoon Killers and Deep Crimson. Of course, someone was indeed stupid enough, and the casting of the two main characters is so shockinly bad, I am just speechless. I can't even begin to describe the amazing extent of the miscasting. Anyone who pays money to see this movie is a heretic.


Horror movies are not supposed to be rated PG-13. Now add Shia LeBeouf and a plot reading like a watered-down version of Fright Night only much worse than that could possibly sound, and you've got Disturbia. It's a movie about the dark underbelly of suburbia. What an incredibly original concept. The novelty is slaying me (and someone from next door is probably watching! O M G!!!).



This movie also looks like a pile of shit, despite the fact that its director once directed an episode of "Twin Peaks." But I guess quite a few of the people involved with that show went on to less-than-amazing future projects.

Also opening: Aqua Teen Whatever, the only compelling reason to watch one of the above three movies. And two weeks from today, a romantic comedy starring Adam Brody is opening that looks so horrifying, I think the American film industry may spontaneously implode upon its release.

Anyway, it's Friday the 13th, so watch some good horror movies on DVD, drink Sangre del Toro (or, better yet, a superior Chilean peer), and sink your teeth into some black pudding, or whatever the vegetarian equivalent is, in my case. Happy goring.

BJ's Giant Clicker for April 12, 2007

Once again, I am falling in love with an ANTM contestant who, evven by the show's hilariously low standards, couldn't possibly ever be mistaken for someone pretending to be a model in real life. Oh, Jael, I'm so glad you and your incoherent but brilliant commentary stuck around for at least one more week! Now with Whitney's ouster, this Cycle is fat-free! Don't get mad at me--I would kill for her waistline--but she deserved to go for unrelated reasons.

This was family reunion week for Dionne and Renee, so we met their children, Renee's husband, and Dionne's ghetto-tastic family. I had forgotton about her sordid family history (drugs, guns, and wheelchairs) from the premiere! Then, as if not enough had already been packed into the episode, the photo shoot was recreating infamous scenes from ANTM history. With former contestants! It was a lovely stroll down memory lane, although I the absence of Jade and Tiffani made me sad. Overall, Natasha is still my fantasy mail (or is that male? No, that's Jaslene!) order spouse, or would be in an alternate world.


I'm sure she waked upu every day looking like this . . . But J.Lo was another surprisingly helpful and articulate "Idol" guest judge. The Latin Week theme was, unfortunately, a bad idea. What kind of bizarre and extreme limits are on the songs they can get cleared? Seriously, this was a mix of Gloria Estefan, Carlos Santana, and then non-Latin songs by those artists. "Turn the Beat Around?" Haley turned something around, and got turned away too. I won't miss her--go join the USO.

Despite his increasingly awful fashion, Blake is still my favorite male on the show. I was really hoping Melinda would sing "Yo Quiero Bailar" by Sonia y Selena, or that anyone would sing anything by Selena, but it was boring crap after boring crap. Sanjaya finished the performance show with drag king facial hair and a few Spanish phrases, but the idea that anyone hsi seduced by his offer to besame mucho makes my genitals implode. Which can only help my drag career!


Finally, Bravo debuted yet another flaming reality competition last night, "Shear Genius." Jaclyn Smith lends her angelic fame (and hair, although it's nothing special) to this show. I wasn't able to watch the premiere, but since it will be on Bravo about 300 more times over the next five minutes, I'm sure I will be able to catch up. My only two hopes: better than "Top Design" and no one references "The Rachel" except in an explicitly negative light.