BJ's Giant Clicker for April 19, 2007

It was the best of hairstyles, it was the worst of hairstyles. Well, maybe not the best, but we sure got our money's worth from Sanjaya. Although none were as bad as Daniel V.'s everyday greasy shag nightmare on "Project Runway," the flat-ironed delight pictured here is virtually tied with the Carrot Top bandana explosion for my least favorites.

Oh, he was there to sing, too? Did anyone really care? His one decent performance wasn't in English, wasn't that great, and was accompanied by the scariest drag king facial hair since that shoot on ANTM a few weeks ago. Will Sanjaya go on to success in the entertainment industry, be assassinated by Fred Phelps-followers, or simply fade into oblivion? I already don't care!


On the other hand, I will truly miss Jael. Although no one could've thought she would win this cycle of ANTM, she brought spirit, style, and spunk unlike the other girls. Yesterday, Tyra said Jael was like an anarchist making fun of Cover Girl. I don't know how accurate that is, but that concept could fuel several weeks of fantastically entertaining episodes.

Jael doesn't have a future in modeling, but neither does anyone else on the show (with the hopeful to me but unlikely exception of Natasha). However, I will always remember her cracked-out brilliance. Also this week, the girls went to Australia and met the delightfully bitchy former host of AusNTM, Erika Heynatz. Erika, luckily, didn't try to sing, but alienated the girls by using such incoherent Aussie slang as "knackered." The photo shoot was a Cover Girl commercial where the girls were supposed to fake Australian accents. It was a disaster, and not as amusing as it should've been. Renee and Natasha sucked the least, but everyone else sucked a whole lot. Jaslene is somehow getting uglier by the week, Dionne is played out, and I'm fully supporting Natasha (who also won a challenge with the reward of being a correspondent for an episode of Tyra's daytime show!).

BJ's Giant Clicker for April 12, 2007

Once again, I am falling in love with an ANTM contestant who, evven by the show's hilariously low standards, couldn't possibly ever be mistaken for someone pretending to be a model in real life. Oh, Jael, I'm so glad you and your incoherent but brilliant commentary stuck around for at least one more week! Now with Whitney's ouster, this Cycle is fat-free! Don't get mad at me--I would kill for her waistline--but she deserved to go for unrelated reasons.

This was family reunion week for Dionne and Renee, so we met their children, Renee's husband, and Dionne's ghetto-tastic family. I had forgotton about her sordid family history (drugs, guns, and wheelchairs) from the premiere! Then, as if not enough had already been packed into the episode, the photo shoot was recreating infamous scenes from ANTM history. With former contestants! It was a lovely stroll down memory lane, although I the absence of Jade and Tiffani made me sad. Overall, Natasha is still my fantasy mail (or is that male? No, that's Jaslene!) order spouse, or would be in an alternate world.


I'm sure she waked upu every day looking like this . . . But J.Lo was another surprisingly helpful and articulate "Idol" guest judge. The Latin Week theme was, unfortunately, a bad idea. What kind of bizarre and extreme limits are on the songs they can get cleared? Seriously, this was a mix of Gloria Estefan, Carlos Santana, and then non-Latin songs by those artists. "Turn the Beat Around?" Haley turned something around, and got turned away too. I won't miss her--go join the USO.

Despite his increasingly awful fashion, Blake is still my favorite male on the show. I was really hoping Melinda would sing "Yo Quiero Bailar" by Sonia y Selena, or that anyone would sing anything by Selena, but it was boring crap after boring crap. Sanjaya finished the performance show with drag king facial hair and a few Spanish phrases, but the idea that anyone hsi seduced by his offer to besame mucho makes my genitals implode. Which can only help my drag career!


Finally, Bravo debuted yet another flaming reality competition last night, "Shear Genius." Jaclyn Smith lends her angelic fame (and hair, although it's nothing special) to this show. I wasn't able to watch the premiere, but since it will be on Bravo about 300 more times over the next five minutes, I'm sure I will be able to catch up. My only two hopes: better than "Top Design" and no one references "The Rachel" except in an explicitly negative light.

BJ's Giant Clicker for April 5, 2007

Would you want these people in charge of your fate? Tyra's really cleaned up at panel the last two weeks, but J. is slowly but surely being overtaken by ruffles. Soon he'll have less neck than Melinda Doolittle! Last night's episode was entertaining but a bit silly. I say silly because, what in the heckaroony is a SuperSelf? It sounds like some gay new age therapy technique. Like, feeling sad? Turn into your superself and fight the homophobes!

Melrose was the guest and example of SuperSelf, which I guess just refers to her insipid combination of ner first and middle name. I don't know if that kind of thing is hot in L.A. (like Pinkberry), but whatever. Jael and Jaslene didn't change their names, and the rest ranged from ridiculous (Renee's, Neijma or something) to amusing (Wholahay, Dionne's signification that she likes dating older men). Everyone finally ragged on Renee for her bitchievous ways in a Mean Girls moment hosted by Tyra and her insane fake eyelashes. It was satisfying, as was the obnoxious Sarah's departure. Meanwhile, Nicole and Paris stirred up some shit (quelle surprise) and 50 Cent pushed Jael into a pool. How gay!


Farewell, Gina! It's been a bumpy two seasons (partial ones, anyway), but you still have your cute boyfriend and maybe Hot Topic will start doing TV commercials, assuming they don't already. Lady Redstreak wasn't going to win, but even her poseur-tude was far superior to "Hot Legs" Haley. She did a sweet and classy "Smile" as her sing out, although it was nearly ruined by the pro-life bitch Jordin chiming in. Go sing for Fred Phelps, Christer!

Overall, this was a tres boring week on "Idol." The best people were boring, and the worst were boring, too. Sanjaya was low-key aside from his arctic white leisure suit, which showed a bit more of the universe of Sanjaya (or at least suggested it) than I wanted to see! Hello, ghosting at seven o'clock (eight Eastern)! I'm still in Camp Doolittle, but she needs to bring something more to get me off my fat ass and to the phone, although I don't think she needs me. Now I'm going to Yahoo Yellow Page Hot Topics in and near Naperville and see if a field trip for lite bondage accessories is in the near future.


Although I never seem to feaure it on my blog, I love VH1, and more specifically, I love "I Love New York." But the channel has the best time wasting a bored boy could ask for. Does Kennedy really deserve money or screen time to make unfunny sassy comments about some fugworthy red carpet disaster from several seasons ago? Probably not, but for some reason it's like crack to me.

This Monday was the finale of ILNY, with Tango winning over Chance. I've only been a casual viewer of the series, sad to say, but the finale was Jerry Springer to the max! I don't know if Jerry's still taping new episodes, but if he is, I think that may be the next stop after Hot Topic. It was a serious storm of bleep-outs before New York's big decision. Now I need to go back and savor the eye candy from earlier in the season, although Mr. Boston's flat ass in a thong will only haunt my dreams for longer. I wonder if they have butt-enhancing briefs at Hot Topic. Is there one in Boys' Town, too?

BJ's Giant Clicker for March 29, 2007

Yesterday, the new season of ANTM continued its dragtastic theme with a photo shoot where the girls as men alongside men in drag. The fake facial hair was worthy of a fantastic drag king, but you have to think the shoot unfairy benefited Jaslene. Transsexuals do drag? They don't even have that in Boys' Town! Anyway, Jaslene and Natasha were incredible. Natasha created her own grill from a gum wrapper, showing her Russian mail order bride ingenuity. Is she a secret genius underneath her facade of broken English and incoherence?

Meanwhile, the plus-sizers contineud to suck, and it was the dumb and inarticulate Diane who got the boot. Apparently brevity is the soul of stupidity sometimes! Also, if you missed last week's photo shoot and want to see the murderous images, don't go to the CW site, because they aren't there! Is this symbolism, or did the network bow to controversy? Finally, despite horrifyiing reports this might be the final Cycle, they are currently casting for the ninth! I was so excited to see the ad during last night's broadcast, and you can also sign up at the CW website. So, if you're fierce, tall enough, and crazy but not diagnosable, get online and become a part of pop culture.



Is he calling a hitman to off Sanjaya? There's a debate among "Idol" fans whether the PTB are angry that Sanjaya is ruining the show, or whether they're laughing all the way to the bank and putting on a public show of outrage. I'm going to reserve judgment until people I care about get kicked off the show, because I would rather see the next entry in the Sanjaya Updos of the Damned (or whatever the Hindu equivalent is) than tolerate another train-wreck performance by the Slight Christian Rocker. Good riddance! Go back to your youth ministry and take your Jars of Clay CDs with you.

This was a rather boring week on the show, despite two Donna Summer tracks and one of my favorite MTV hits from the recent past, "Hey Baby." Too bad Jordin Sparks has been outed as a pro-life freak. I suppose we're all lucky they don't outright ask the contestants for their opinions on gay marriage, because I have a feeling I would have to take my fat gay atheist ass off the couch for two and a half hours a week.



Then again, there's always new shoes to fill the gaps. This Sunday is the premiere of Showtime's new series "The Tudors," starring Jonathan Rhys Meyers. I will be any wife of his Henry VIII he wants me to be! I don't know if this is supposed to capitalize on the "Rome" popularity, but now that I can't see the nudity and homoerotic tension on HBO every Sunday, this is probably worth a try.

Finally, as if Bravo! wasn't running its gay reality franchise into the ground with the horrendous "Top Design," they have just started advertising the next and even gayer addition: Shear Genius. Terrible name, terrible idea: America's Next Top Hair Stylist. Of course, it can't be worse than "Blowout," or can it? The contestants, including several foreigners and a man apparently named Dr. Boogie, look intriguing enough, but I'm predicting a bomb that will make "Top Design" look like season one of "Project Runway." I say it's time to bright back "Are You Hot?" just so the breeders can share some of the embarrassment.

BJ's Giant Clicker for March 22, 2007

If the "American Idol" results are infuriating you, take some advice from the faabulicious Lisa D'Amato: Relax and have a cookie! This sweet Sanjaya snack comes from the brilliant website Milkfat. Go there now, and leave them a sweet if not literally edible gift!

This week was the British Invasion on "Idol," and any obsessed AbFab fan like myself was obviously thrilled to see Lulu as the guest judge! Now if only they have Bubble performing "No Limit" and mentoring the contestants through cheesy hi-nrg dance week, my life would be complete. The show was stolen by Lulu as well as a hysterical crying girl, who apparently thought seeing Sanjaya live was the equivalent of seeing the Beatles when they were famous. Well, I don't like the Beatles and if I saw Sanjaya, I would cry from tears of horror or tears of jealously for his fabulous waistline. Anyway, LaKisha and Melinda are still my girls, and as for poor departed Stephanie, who cares? Let's hope the more annoying cannon fodder goes next, though.



Top Model, Top Model, Top Model! Jaslene flew under the radar this week, possibly because the Paris is Burning quotient rose to a new height, making her irrelevant. Benny Ninja, of whose relation to the dear R.I.P. Willi Ninja is unclear to me, taught the girls how to vogue. Benny and Sanjaya need to split a big plate of tandoori chicken wings! But the rest was fabulous. Renee spend a week trying not to be a bitch, and the photo shoot theme--dead bodies--brought out the gore, literally! I was sad to see Felicia go, but better her than Dionne, who I'm hoping makes a comeback asap.



Finally, the moment I have been waiting for for months: tonight, ESPN's coverage of the 2007 World Figure Skating Championships begins!! This is Mao Asada, the 16-year-old sensation who I'm hoping will make the hometown Tokyo crowd proud and take the women's title. The men's and pair's titles will be awarded tonight, and I'm routing for Canada or Switzerland in the former and China all the way in the latter! Check back this weekend for a very special BJ's Wild with my thoughts on this wonderful event, definitely one of the top five annual TV events for me.

BJ's Giant Clicker for March 15, 2007

From Hogwart's to high fashion (or at least aspirations thereof): It's Luke Youngblood! This 20-year-old pint-sized cutie, best known for his portrayal of Lee Jordan in two of the Harry Potter movies, is currently appearing in a much different role. Unfortunately, unlike Daniel Radcliffe, he isn't parading around nude! But he also isn't in some stupid play stabbing horse's eyes either.

No, Lukey is on ""Project Catwalk," the British equivalent of "Project Runway." Currently in its second season, this reality TV experience is hosted surprisingly well by Kelly Osbourne. Check it out if you get the chance. It's got just enough drama and some hilarious characters, and is worth watching for Luke's crazy 80's outfits alone. But, whatever you do, don't post spoilers, because I have only finished episode seven and I don't want to leave the edge of my seat.



Finally, last night was the makeover fantasy on ANTM. There was drama, there were tears, and there were weird Photoshop effects in the "after" photos that made every girl look like a trannie. Except Jaslene, who simply became an anorexic man! Seriously, her ice cream photo made her look like she belongs in some famine documentary or Sally Struthers commercial. Eat some dulce de leche instead of wearing it. Maybe her hunger is causing her hearing loss!

Otherwise, Renee continued to be a psychotic bitch, Jael was tortured by a weave and its subsequent removal, as well as the news that her friend died of an overdose. Overdose. Overdose. But she pulled through, with the love of Christ via Whitney, and turned it out. Brittany took a break from PMS crying to win the challenge and take the best photo, plus she told off Renee. If Natasha gets kicked off soon, which I no longer want to happen, she can audition to play Cleopatra in a production of episode 2.10 of "Rome." Also starring a nude Daniel Radcliffe as Mark Antony. Coming soon to Brirtain only!

By the way, Cassandra got her wig-weave and her bad self removed from the show. She was nice, but her train wreck fashions and nicenessness over wantingitnessness didn't cut it for Tyra.



Finally, over on "Idol," Diana Ross showed up looking good and singing bad. Sanjaya got a lovely, feminine perm and shockingly was in the bottom two. Brandon messed up his words and was sent packing. Call me, Brandon! There's nothing like BJ to make you forget your troubles.

I'm already growing weary of "Idol." There are only two contestant that I love, and so many I do not love. And memo to that Jesus-freak fatass with the fro: Even my mom, who watches "Til Death" and loves Taylor Dayne, can tell you're a big phony. Go be a youth minister and take your Jars of Clay to the impressionable, nubile young boys who want your--I mean Christ's--love.

Coming soon: WORLD FIGURE SKATING CHAMPIONSHIPS!!! I'll be talking lots more about that, and tonight's repeat of the European finals, which I am literally dying to see.

BJ's Giant Clicker for March 8, 2007

Her name is 'Nella and she screeches on TV . . .

Seriously, just look at those lips! I think I may lose claim to my own name if I meet Antonella Barba. Needless to say, sweeties, the sucking she does on "American Idol" is the only kind I'd ever want to see or experience, and hopefully she will be gone today. In my day, there was a real sense of class about these things. I'm talking, of course, about Frenchie Davis.

If Sanjaya goes home tonight, and for his future mental well-being I really hope he does (plus, he makes me feel extremely fat, which is the same reason I can't watch Asian films), this will be the straightest season of "Idol" since, well, possibly ever! Not that I'm implying we should bring back Jim Verraros, but still. Without the gays, all we have are the black women (and presumably Ryan), but I supposed that's enough for the time being.



I still miss Kathleen, you know? Like, she was the greatest, you know? Anyway, I'll save my ANTM comments for The Vibe, except to note that Renee needs to be beaten unconscious with the business end of a spike heel, and I want to go to an 80's prom and a ghetto prom! Come on, gay club promoters in Chicago, show us the money!



I am starting a new experiment in BJ's Giant Clicker right here, right now! It's called "The Passion of the BJ," and every Thursday I will write a steamy, erotic, yet religiously inspired recap of the latest episode of my favorite story, "Passions."

The Passion of the BJ for March 8, 2007

We begin with Chad enterting the Church of Our Hot Father, where he gets down on his knees mere centimeters away from Ethan, who is wearing a priest collar and a black thong with bedazzled images from the scriptures. Chad opens wide and confesses his affair in his own special way. Ethan gasps, then moans that Chad must get rid of his mistress. When Chad finds out she is already at the Seascape Icon Store with his wife, he gulps in terror.

Theresa is suffering, and Justin isn't sure whether she wants to become a saint, or whether she just wants to engage in some light bondage and that's what she meant when she told him she wanted to get married.

Miguel, at the Blessed Lady Bunny Hospital, realizes he is getting the "real treatment" from the male nurses there, which makes him wonder if Fox's evil plot was holier than James Edward Olmos's face. Fox asks a nurse what was really in Miguel's "IV bag," but the nurse says the symptoms are psychosomatic. Kay, witnessing this entire exchange, is confuddled and bites loudly into a TestaMint.

Chris and Fancy, at a disco party at the local teen center, wonder where Luis and Sheridan are. Are they together? Are they committing sins? Chris hopes Sheridan is not straying from the marital bed with her evil feminine wicked parts, and Fancy tries to believe as well, since the alternative of wicked whoremongery is so awful. If only they knew Sheridan was fantasizing about a wet and wild makeout session right then and not there! Right after her wicked fantasy, Luis and Sheridan are talking about Fancy and Sheridan implies that Fancy did something wicked and sinful in the past and can never again be trusted.