Mr. BJ Goes to Washington for April 16, 2007

My sincere apologies for ditching my blogging duties on Friday. Unfortunately, a terrifying and embarrassing incident at home required a rush trip to the emergency room. However, my jaw is just fine, but I am going to dedicate today's entry to stories reminding us that our lives aren't that bad. So, readers, remember: Even when it turns out the boy you picked up at Trikxx is a 45-year-old woman with three children and a criminal record, someone, somewhere (particularly in Africa) has it much, much worse.

BJ's Eye View: Global Tragedy Edition


Bestiality is a tragic sickness in America and all over the world. Growing up in Iowa, there were always stories about some horny lonely farmer or high school drop-out visiting the stable for a quickie. However, in our civilized country, we ostracize and punish these brazen criminals.

In Sudan, apparently that is not the case. As sad as this is, it seems to refute the right-wing argument that legalizing gay marriage would lead to people marrying animals. Us gays want to move forward, not backwards (at least when we're talking about progressive rights--rather than literal movement). While in Sudan, where I doubt it's okay to even have a rainbow sticker on your rickshaw, people are marrying animals right as we speak!


Poor Prince William, and poor Kate Middleton. Their break-up is all over the news. Unlike royalty, I never felt horrible pressure to continue my college relationships, and yet Don and I are still going strong years later. The media are so hard on the royals. Of course, political children get their share of trauma in America, too. Can you imagine the poor fate of any man seen publicly dating a Bush daughter?


When I think of institutions that have caused stress and horror over the centuries, to repeat offenders are the Catholic Church and the fur industry. So it's not surprising that the Pope drapes himself in luxurious furs, although that dandy look and the gay or pimp images it evokes can't be good for his reputation. Anyway, finally someone is taking action and trying to break up this unholy alliance. Will the two institutions be less powerful individually this way? Who knows, but at least the Pope won't look like an extra in a particularly experimental Lil Kim video.

On the bright side, however, today is free cone day at Ben and Jerry's! So, if you have one nearby, go and forget your problems with a delicious cone if you have the time.

Mr. BJ Goes to Washington for April 9, 2007

To emphasize how bored I have become with the Monday politics feature on my blog, I am not including any pictures, and, to make matters worse, every story is about educational issues. Take that! By the way, I hope everyone had a safe and fantastic Easter, atheistical or not.

According to this story in today's Sun Times, Chicago needs well over 100 public school principals next year. How is that possible? I honestly didn't think there were even that many more than 100 schools in the city. Are all the principals leaving? Apparently the city is trying to recruit people from all over the fill the holes. We have become a pimp looking for academic hall-walkers!

My high school principal, Mr. Woodhouse, had a very creepy molester type vibe. I've always associated school administrative officials with a sort of odd personality type. I say Chicago should look for fresh, new types of people to become principals. Forget academic backgrounds and degrees and experience working in schools. Go the unorthodox route and hire artistic craftspeople, dance music producers, high-end clothing store employees, and other creative and fun types. The schools could be happy and gay, and so will be the youth of tomorrow in our great city.

As a warning of what could happen otherwise, look no further than this odd tale of a high school senior in Florida who was forced to switch schools after mooning a teacher. Actually, is it just a moon when the hole is involved? I have to admit, I feel a bit creepy pondering anal questions when looking at a seemingly wholesome group of cute high school boys hanging out together. Which one is the mooner?

Anyway, there seems to be a debate in the comments about whether the punishment was too severe. I just never want to become those rich parents with no control over their kids who are then horrified when their precious babies do anything bad and think they can avoid responsibility the old-fashioned way: suing the accusers! A better punishment, and a more entertaining one, would be to force these people to be the subjects of a candid reality TV show (Bravo! couldn't say no) and show the world how disgusting they probably are.

And now, a story with a very fascinating picture. Would you guess that was a transsexual? Anyway, our academic focus today concludes with the debate over trannies at single-sex colleges. I would have much rather gone to an all-women's school than an all-boys' one, and I can't imagine the girls wouldn't have considered me one of their own. But, then again, maybe they want to get rid of anything male, regardless of personality and biology.

Those Smith and Bryn Mawr types are giving feminism a bad name (and sound: Dar Willilams and Ani DiFranco are just boring, depressing, and crappy!) with their angry, lesbian exclusivity. Take some advice from your gay brothers and keep it fun, inclusive, and fabulicious!

Mr. BJ Goes to Washington for April 2, 2007

Things got surprisingly violent at a party after Saturday's Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards in L.A. Three guests were shot while attending a mysterious party. According to the AP, the party was thrown by someone who attended the Awards but was not a celebrity, and the party "had no celebrity guests." Luckily, the injuries were not serious, but still! What kind of people go to an event like that and then get into gun fights? Were they arguing over whether Dakota Fanning deserved to win Favorite Actress? Were there religious Harry Potter detractors horrified that the HP series won for Favorite Book?

The whole idea of a Kids Choice Awards after-party is just strange to me, but I guess some of the Nickelodeon stars are teenagers and probably do their share of drinking and drugging. How horrifying, though, to imagine my favorite Pete and Pete stars from the past doing coke in the Hollywood Hills! My innocent memories of TV fun are being thrown into question now, and I'm not happy about it.


The saga of the anatomically correct chocolate Jesus sculpture is still ongoing. After it was removed from its Manhattan location due to protests, people are apparantly dying to buy the piece, "My Sweet Lord," from artist Cosimo Cavallaro. His website includes other conceptual art, including an installation where he coated an entire house in Wisconsin with cheese.

I have to say, the American public is so uptight about art involving nudity or religion! It's ridiculous that you can go to a museum and see all this great old art with tons of violence and nudity, but if someone is evil enough to make a new artwork exposing Jesus's penis, it's the end of the world. Near my hometown in Iowa, there's another town that has an annual potato festival, Tater Dayz, and every year there is a Tater Queen who gets her sculpture done in mashed potatoes. One year it looked like her left nipple was exposed, and everyone in three counties was freaking out for weeks! People, it's art, and get over it!


It's a good old-fashioned mob trail here in Chicago! The story sounds like a bad movie, with characters like "brutal loan shark" Frank Calabrese Sr., Frank "The German" Schweihs (a hitman), James "Little Jimmy" Marcello and top mobster Joseph "The Clown" Lombardo, among others. They robbed jewelry stores, killed people for mob hits, and are known as the Outfit killers. The crimes also involve illegal Asian gambling, making it a true multi-cultural story worthy of Scorsese.

The witness, who own restaurants, adult bookstores, and other stereotypical mob businesses, will probably tell terrifying stories, and hopefully not wind up sleeping with the fishes themselves! Now, to be honest, I'm surprised something like this is going on in Chicagoland. When people think about Italians here, they think of Chicago-style pizza, not mass murderers! At least I hope so! Anyway, it will be interesting to see how this trial plays out. If it's on Court TV, I'm definitely heading down to the nearest Lou Malnati's to watch it with a slice and a cold Italian beer or glass of chianti.

Mr. BJ Goes to Washington for March 26, 2007

Attention Chicago residents: The El is in danger! I'm sure everyone has stories about how much the service sucks. Just last weekend I had to wait over 15 minutes while I was carrying three large shopping bads from Bed, Bath, and Boyfriends! I know I need the exercise but there's a reason people pay for gym memberships and it isn't because they can get the same workout for free without planning it.

Anyway, according to this article in today's New York Times, commute times will be twice as long for the next two years, and major construction will cause trauma and delays on various lines in the near future. I think I speak for everyone in our fine city when I say: public transport is filled with trashy people, drunks, and beggars. If you're willing to deal with that, a delay and a rerouting are the least of your problems. Get a car, take a taxi, or ride a Segway! I know I plan to boycott the El starting this moment.



The verdict has finally arrived: Anna Nicole died of an "accidental overdose." It seems sensible enough, but I'm sure there will be countless conspiracy theories about his tragedy for years. Like Elvis and Tupac, Anna Nicole seems destined to be the subject of Oliver Stone-esque mystery and intrigue. Was it relatives of that really old guy she was once married to? Was it angry TrimSpa customers who didn't lose 69 pounds like Anna? Was it that ugly lesbian who followed her around on her TV show? We may never know.

I know that Anna Nicole is huge in the gay community, and it certianly isn't like me to say no to a drug-addicted train wreck with giant tits, but there was just something missing about her. With Marilyn and Liza and even Cher, there is always a hint of class even during the most explosive train wrecks. Plus, those divas made music and movies that I love. Sure, I laughed at Naked Gun 33 1/3 when I was 13, but I was laughing at her. Never with her. Nonetheless, R.I.P. Anna, if you are really dead.

In other news, I was going to mention the whole Alberto Gonzalez thing, but I really don't know much about the whole issue, and you can read about it everywhere else. I guess he should be kicked out or whatever, but honestly, I'm more interested in the face that Janice Dickinson got banend from L.A. fashion week after her horrible behavior there. Does that count as politics? I'm beginning to rethink the whole Monday politics thing on this blog. Mondays are dreary enough as it is. If anyone has suggestions for a replacement topic, I'm all ears.

Mr. BJ Goes to Washington for March 19, 2007

"Welcome to IHOP! We'll be happy to serve you as long as you aren't lesbians! What, you thought we were lesbians? Do we look like carpet munchers to you? I'm sorry, but that Subaru in the parking lot belongs to our MALE manager, Terry. No, we didn't choose the Muzak version of Dar Williams playing in the background. Now get out! No, that's not what we mean . . ."

In case you haven't heard about this incident in Missouri yet, here's the story: A couple of lesbyterians exchanged a kiss at their local IHOP and got booted. Now, I have to assume that there is a reason a lesbian couple were in Missouri in the first place, and then there was a reason they were at IHOP, and then there was a reason they were so happy in said IHOP that they decided to smooch.

But while my mind boggles, I am still outraged that the staff at such a trashy, disgusting restaurant would think they could take the moral high ground. I mean, I have been to the rural pancake-houses of horror in the Midwest. I have seen the customers at Shoney's and IHOP, and I can assure you that there are worse moral crimes than muff diving frequently committed by the people who frequent them. For starters: incest, bestiality, stone-washed denim (with elastic cuffs!), and many more.



In local news, a warning for participants in the Chicago nightlife scene: Next time you are approached by a clean-cut, well-built man in a polo shirt and khakis, and he's reeking of alcohol and dying to swing for the night, watch out! According to this terrifying story in the Sun Times, the CPD has undercover cops pretending to be drunk. Sure, this guy focuses on violent robbers and beggars, but from what I know about straight men undercover, whether drunk or pretending to be drunk, I think the gay community should take this very seriously. Don't think until you can't think, or you might wind up in the pink, and you know what they say about being forced to give up the pink in the clink!

Finally, on a more serious note:

A More Serious BJ

As you all know, it is the fourth anniversary of the war in Iraq. I have nothing to add about how ridiculous this was is, and how our president bascially sucks in every way possible. So, I want to send out my wishes for the unfortunate people in Iraq. May you suffer less in the future, and may our ignorant American countrymen and women leave you alone or at least try to undo the damage they've done in your country.



I know it is a sad state of affairs when this woman won the Miss Iraq 2006 pageant. On behalf of all the politically aware gays in America, this is BJ, wishing you a much, much, much more attractive and glamorous future.

Mr. BJ Goes to Washington for March 5, 2007

Oh, oh Ann! In case you haven't happened upon her most recent episode of verbal skitters, here's the quote everyone is blogging about:

"I was going to have a few comments on the other Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards, but it turns out you have to go into rehab if you use the word ‘faggot,’ so I — so kind of an impasse, can’t really talk about Edwards."

This is unbelievably offensive. I mean, John Edwards is clearly not gay! No self-respecting gay man would dress like that, and let's not even go into his accessories. It's the Fathers' Day sale at Macy's and I am staying far away from there and closer to the nearest Express Men! Seriously, you'd think a blonde skeletal bitch like that could have some decent 'dar, though on the other hand, maybe it's the classic gay male syndrome (and she does have one heck of an Adam's apple) of assuming EVERYONE is a butt-pirate.

In other news:



When is this man going to die already? I'm sure his will lists his daughter as the cause of all this, like when he found out she was a rug-muncher he was so shocked that his heart never recovered. It's hard to believe, in this day and age, that a man who has chosen to go through life with the name Dick would be able to handle more shocking language than her coming out speech, but I guess you learn something new every day. At least hunters can feel more comfortable knowing that Dick isn't going to shoot all over them!



Finally, the city of Santa Monica is considering an ordinance that would let city officials give birth control shots to squirrels. I have a better idea: sell them online to fetishists! Just the thought that their child might wind up up someone's butt will make the squirrels stay out of people's way out of fear.

More seriously, though, if it's okay to force birth control on any species that makes a mess in public and makes it impossible for people like me to go through our day without being harassed, forced to look at ugly and ungroomed hair, then I have a great idea: Sterilize the breeders! Join BJ's campaign "Shoot Straighty (with birth control)" and let's make the world a better place. We'll start with Ann, assuming she really has ovaries and they still work.