Guest BJ: Jake on Films--April 20, 2007

The cavalcade of shit begins with Vacancy, a suspense thriller with a bad premise and an annoying cast (since when was Ethan Embry still working?) Its unfortunately named Hungarian director, Nimród Antal, made a movie a few years ago called Kontroll that won some awards. Thank god he's in Hollywood making shit now! We can't let those foreigners (probably communist ones, too) compete with us. They must assimilate to our level of cinema.


The good news about Fracture is that Ryan Gosling is in it. The bad news is that it's supposed to be a "smart legal thriller" according to the Village Voice. Good review in the Voice notwithstanding, this is the kind of movie that is always around and I have zero interest in. Ryan Gosling is going to be an 100 more movies in the near future, so I'll wait until something less uninspiring comes out.


And: a movie I actually want to see. Is that I sign of the apocalypse? Although I didn't like Shaun of the Dead as much as I hoped to, Hot Fuzz looks better and funnier. And hopefully it will be. The producers are linked to all sorts of awesome British Comedy, the reviews are good, and I'm probably an idiot for having high expectations.

BJ's Giant Clicker for April 19, 2007

It was the best of hairstyles, it was the worst of hairstyles. Well, maybe not the best, but we sure got our money's worth from Sanjaya. Although none were as bad as Daniel V.'s everyday greasy shag nightmare on "Project Runway," the flat-ironed delight pictured here is virtually tied with the Carrot Top bandana explosion for my least favorites.

Oh, he was there to sing, too? Did anyone really care? His one decent performance wasn't in English, wasn't that great, and was accompanied by the scariest drag king facial hair since that shoot on ANTM a few weeks ago. Will Sanjaya go on to success in the entertainment industry, be assassinated by Fred Phelps-followers, or simply fade into oblivion? I already don't care!


On the other hand, I will truly miss Jael. Although no one could've thought she would win this cycle of ANTM, she brought spirit, style, and spunk unlike the other girls. Yesterday, Tyra said Jael was like an anarchist making fun of Cover Girl. I don't know how accurate that is, but that concept could fuel several weeks of fantastically entertaining episodes.

Jael doesn't have a future in modeling, but neither does anyone else on the show (with the hopeful to me but unlikely exception of Natasha). However, I will always remember her cracked-out brilliance. Also this week, the girls went to Australia and met the delightfully bitchy former host of AusNTM, Erika Heynatz. Erika, luckily, didn't try to sing, but alienated the girls by using such incoherent Aussie slang as "knackered." The photo shoot was a Cover Girl commercial where the girls were supposed to fake Australian accents. It was a disaster, and not as amusing as it should've been. Renee and Natasha sucked the least, but everyone else sucked a whole lot. Jaslene is somehow getting uglier by the week, Dionne is played out, and I'm fully supporting Natasha (who also won a challenge with the reward of being a correspondent for an episode of Tyra's daytime show!).

Small-Screen BJ for April 18, 2007

Now that The Last King of Scotland is available on DVD, everyone can relive Forrest Whittaker's fantastic performance and try to forget how crappy his Oscar acceptance speech was. There isn't really anything funny or witty I can say about a movie chronicling one of the worst dictators in history, so I'll just say: See it!


On a lighter note, season six of "Murder She Wrote" is now available on DVD. I remember enjoying the twists and turns in every episode, and hoping Angela Lansbury would make it through unscathed. Those were the days before I knew she even had a British accent in real life! Going through the episode titles, I'm already excited to watch these, whether I've seen them before or not.

This is the season that includes both "Appointment in Athens" and "The Szechuan Dragon." While only one of those sounds like a restaurant, the international flavor is thrilling. I love it when mysteries take place in exotic foreign locales. Also intriguing: Episode 5, "Jack and Bill." Did the show go homo in 1989? Was the episode "Night of the Tarantula" related to that trashy movie about spiders? Later on is number 20, "Shear Madness." Hairdressers = more gay? Why aren't there reruns on Bravo? Finally, the finale is another trip abroad for "The Sicilian Encounter." I had one of those in college one night and it was indeed spicy!


If you're in the mood for some cute boys, look no further than History Boys. Although the title sounds like a bad Disney educational time-travel movie, this is really an adaptation of a hit play. It's about English school boys, but it's funnier than Dead Poets Society and just as heart-warming. This is truly one of those movies that just makes you happy and have fun, and in these days of tragic news, that is a good thing even Martha Stewart would approve of!

Audio BJ for April 17, 2007

There are only four major album releases today, but one of them is so exciting, it makes up for the small numbers. Finally, you can get The Best Damn Thing by Avril Lavigne. If all the songs are as good as the hit single "Girlfriend," it will certainly live up to its title!

I remember a few years ago when every gay bar in Iowa was filled with cookie cutter Abercrombitches doing karaoke to "sk8erboi." Those were the days of slippery nipples and bathroom cruising, but that song wore out its welcome. Luckily, Avril has moved on just like I have, and I have a feeling this is going to be the album for Spring and Summer pop music fun. Just what we need in tragic times!


I have to admit that I don't really get the Nine Inch Nails. The whole Goth thing just escapes me: anorexic boys wearing make up (okay, I get that part, but still!) and brooding while listening to music about death and sex, often at the same time. Sure, their videos are cool, but they just aren't my style. If I want to hear something edgy, there are several Cranberries songs that will do the trick quite nicely.

However, I know there are a lot of NIN fans out there, and to you I say: I know it seems obvious that the band's name is a penis reference, but is that true? Is there something gay going on here? I must know! Anyway, the new NIN album, Year Zero, was released today.

The other two new releases are by Joseph Arthur and Robert Pollard, and I have absolutely no idea who these people are, so instead I will create another fabulous entry in:

BJ's Big Playlist

In an ode to Avril, here are pop punk classics by female vocalists that will get you dancing alone in the house, in the car, and anywhere you go!

1. Kelly Clarkson - "Since U Been Gone"
2. Ashlee Simpson - "Boyfriend"
3. Avril Lavigne - "Girlfriend"
4. The Go-Go's - "Vacation"
5. No Doubt - "Just a Girl"
6. Joan Jett and the Blackhearts - "I Hate Myself for Loving You"
7. Meredith Brooks - "Bitch"
8. Hole - "Malibu"
9. The Muffs - "Kids in America"
10. The Donnas - "Skintight"

Mr. BJ Goes to Washington for April 16, 2007

My sincere apologies for ditching my blogging duties on Friday. Unfortunately, a terrifying and embarrassing incident at home required a rush trip to the emergency room. However, my jaw is just fine, but I am going to dedicate today's entry to stories reminding us that our lives aren't that bad. So, readers, remember: Even when it turns out the boy you picked up at Trikxx is a 45-year-old woman with three children and a criminal record, someone, somewhere (particularly in Africa) has it much, much worse.

BJ's Eye View: Global Tragedy Edition


Bestiality is a tragic sickness in America and all over the world. Growing up in Iowa, there were always stories about some horny lonely farmer or high school drop-out visiting the stable for a quickie. However, in our civilized country, we ostracize and punish these brazen criminals.

In Sudan, apparently that is not the case. As sad as this is, it seems to refute the right-wing argument that legalizing gay marriage would lead to people marrying animals. Us gays want to move forward, not backwards (at least when we're talking about progressive rights--rather than literal movement). While in Sudan, where I doubt it's okay to even have a rainbow sticker on your rickshaw, people are marrying animals right as we speak!


Poor Prince William, and poor Kate Middleton. Their break-up is all over the news. Unlike royalty, I never felt horrible pressure to continue my college relationships, and yet Don and I are still going strong years later. The media are so hard on the royals. Of course, political children get their share of trauma in America, too. Can you imagine the poor fate of any man seen publicly dating a Bush daughter?


When I think of institutions that have caused stress and horror over the centuries, to repeat offenders are the Catholic Church and the fur industry. So it's not surprising that the Pope drapes himself in luxurious furs, although that dandy look and the gay or pimp images it evokes can't be good for his reputation. Anyway, finally someone is taking action and trying to break up this unholy alliance. Will the two institutions be less powerful individually this way? Who knows, but at least the Pope won't look like an extra in a particularly experimental Lil Kim video.

On the bright side, however, today is free cone day at Ben and Jerry's! So, if you have one nearby, go and forget your problems with a delicious cone if you have the time.

Big-Screen Guest BJ for Friday the 13th of April, 2007

BJ My Guest

BJ is busy recovering from a freak jaw incident last night, so I (Jake) am filling in for him to talk about new movies coming out today. There are lots of openings and all of them look terrible, so I'll be brief.


Today was the first I heard about Lonely Hearts. When I saw it on the IMDB sidebar, I thought, Surely no one was stupid enough to remake a movie with TWO different excellent versions: The Honeymoon Killers and Deep Crimson. Of course, someone was indeed stupid enough, and the casting of the two main characters is so shockinly bad, I am just speechless. I can't even begin to describe the amazing extent of the miscasting. Anyone who pays money to see this movie is a heretic.


Horror movies are not supposed to be rated PG-13. Now add Shia LeBeouf and a plot reading like a watered-down version of Fright Night only much worse than that could possibly sound, and you've got Disturbia. It's a movie about the dark underbelly of suburbia. What an incredibly original concept. The novelty is slaying me (and someone from next door is probably watching! O M G!!!).



This movie also looks like a pile of shit, despite the fact that its director once directed an episode of "Twin Peaks." But I guess quite a few of the people involved with that show went on to less-than-amazing future projects.

Also opening: Aqua Teen Whatever, the only compelling reason to watch one of the above three movies. And two weeks from today, a romantic comedy starring Adam Brody is opening that looks so horrifying, I think the American film industry may spontaneously implode upon its release.

Anyway, it's Friday the 13th, so watch some good horror movies on DVD, drink Sangre del Toro (or, better yet, a superior Chilean peer), and sink your teeth into some black pudding, or whatever the vegetarian equivalent is, in my case. Happy goring.

BJ's Giant Clicker for April 12, 2007

Once again, I am falling in love with an ANTM contestant who, evven by the show's hilariously low standards, couldn't possibly ever be mistaken for someone pretending to be a model in real life. Oh, Jael, I'm so glad you and your incoherent but brilliant commentary stuck around for at least one more week! Now with Whitney's ouster, this Cycle is fat-free! Don't get mad at me--I would kill for her waistline--but she deserved to go for unrelated reasons.

This was family reunion week for Dionne and Renee, so we met their children, Renee's husband, and Dionne's ghetto-tastic family. I had forgotton about her sordid family history (drugs, guns, and wheelchairs) from the premiere! Then, as if not enough had already been packed into the episode, the photo shoot was recreating infamous scenes from ANTM history. With former contestants! It was a lovely stroll down memory lane, although I the absence of Jade and Tiffani made me sad. Overall, Natasha is still my fantasy mail (or is that male? No, that's Jaslene!) order spouse, or would be in an alternate world.


I'm sure she waked upu every day looking like this . . . But J.Lo was another surprisingly helpful and articulate "Idol" guest judge. The Latin Week theme was, unfortunately, a bad idea. What kind of bizarre and extreme limits are on the songs they can get cleared? Seriously, this was a mix of Gloria Estefan, Carlos Santana, and then non-Latin songs by those artists. "Turn the Beat Around?" Haley turned something around, and got turned away too. I won't miss her--go join the USO.

Despite his increasingly awful fashion, Blake is still my favorite male on the show. I was really hoping Melinda would sing "Yo Quiero Bailar" by Sonia y Selena, or that anyone would sing anything by Selena, but it was boring crap after boring crap. Sanjaya finished the performance show with drag king facial hair and a few Spanish phrases, but the idea that anyone hsi seduced by his offer to besame mucho makes my genitals implode. Which can only help my drag career!


Finally, Bravo debuted yet another flaming reality competition last night, "Shear Genius." Jaclyn Smith lends her angelic fame (and hair, although it's nothing special) to this show. I wasn't able to watch the premiere, but since it will be on Bravo about 300 more times over the next five minutes, I'm sure I will be able to catch up. My only two hopes: better than "Top Design" and no one references "The Rachel" except in an explicitly negative light.

Small-Screen BJ for April 11, 2007

Hello and welcome to today's

Seasonally Affected BJ

We've had freezing, snowy weather here after so many beautiful, warm days just weeks ago. So, I have chosen two brand new DVD releases to cheer you up and some old classics as well. Keep upbeat with BJ!


Those meddling kids! What could be happier than "Scooby Doo"? The third season of this cartoon classic is available today, so you can eliminate the memory of the horrible recent movie (with the girl from "Freaks and Geeks" who apparently stopped eating after that wonderful show was canceled) from your mind. Enjoy the hilarious mysteries, the hippie outfits, and Scooby's amazing one-liners. I have to say, I knew someone in college that tried to make the van from this show, and it just didn't look cute. I think "The A Team" would've been a better vehicular inspiration.


After last week's carpeted "Brady Bunch" DVD box set cover, today we get Astroturf for the special edition of Major League. Personally, I've always through Astroturf would be a great medium for women's clothing, if they could just get rid of the shedding. I would wear it myself, except I had a traumatic minigold incident when I was eleven and my left knee has never been the same since, and I don't want to wear PTSD-inducing clothes.

The fast-paced, gag-filled comedy of Major League represents a whole style of movies that would be great on a dark and unpleasant day. From the Naked Gun trilogy to Hot Shots, slapstick fun should always be in the forecast!


But the ultimate feel-good movie, one of my all times favorites, and perfect for today's weather has got to be Cool Runnings. I am not ashamed to admit I say this five times in a theater, and I can recite practically the whole movie. John Candy was always one of my heroes, and although his death still brings a tear to my eye, the only tears this movie creates are tears of joy. If they made a figure skating heartwarming slapstick cross between this and Blades of Glory, you can bet my five viewing record would be shattered like Nancy Kerrigan's knee!

Audio BJ for April 10, 2007

Is it trendy to like Bright Eyes or the opposite? I've never been sure, and it wouldn't bother me even if I was his number one fan--I am not a slave to what's cool (although I don't like Michael Bolton, coincidentally of course). Connor Oberst, that gloomy waif who claims to be bisexual but I think he just had a drunken encounter with an androgenous emo boy whose 26-inch waist made him appear feminine after a night of Siberian Ice, is back with his 45th album, Cassadega, which is officially out today.

Was the title inspired by Talladega Nights? It seems silly to name it so similarly when that movie is new, but I'm sure it has neither the humor nor the body hair. There's an orchestra and collaborations and it will be on indie radio until the end of time, but if you like Bright Eyes, you don't need me to say anything more. What I will say, though, is that I just do not understand why people think this boy is cute. I mean, I don't have ragingly high standards, particularly when it comes to anyone who looks under 20, but I would rather do it with Jimmy Eat World if I had to have a sweaty emo sexcapade. But first I'd have to hit Hot Topic, which is still on my to-do list!


And now someone whose angst is far less believable than Bright Eyes, but her correspondingly happier music is also much more fantastic and fun: Avril! Sure, she's set back women's fashion a few years, but at least she didn't invent UGG boots or anything. And I would rather give a hummer to Don Imus than ever listen to "sk8erboi!11!" or however it is spelled again. But, her new single "Girlfriend" is fabulicious! It ranks with recent rockin' girls like Kelly and Ashlee for the best sing along to the mirror poppy track in recent memory. If you haven't heard this song yet, forget everything you know about Avril and get it immediately! Her new album is coming out soon, and I will be sure to feature it as soon as it is available.

It appears to be a slow week for new releases, so I will make up for it by introducing an exciting new feature:

BJ's Club Traxx

This feature will highlight some of my favorite dance music songs from the past. I have many great memories of clubs in Des Moines like the Garden, and I wish there was somewhere in Chicago dedicated to those great, cheesy, Roxbury-style classics because I am not risking my life by going to nightclubs in the suburbs here! We have a million campy 80's nights, which I like and everything, but come on, club people!



Anyway, today's club track is "Jellyhead" by Crush. Put it on at your next dance party and watch everyone get down, sing alone, and have a fanastic time! The lyrics are hard to decipher in parts, so for your sing-along ease I will link you to the lyrics.

Mr. BJ Goes to Washington for April 9, 2007

To emphasize how bored I have become with the Monday politics feature on my blog, I am not including any pictures, and, to make matters worse, every story is about educational issues. Take that! By the way, I hope everyone had a safe and fantastic Easter, atheistical or not.

According to this story in today's Sun Times, Chicago needs well over 100 public school principals next year. How is that possible? I honestly didn't think there were even that many more than 100 schools in the city. Are all the principals leaving? Apparently the city is trying to recruit people from all over the fill the holes. We have become a pimp looking for academic hall-walkers!

My high school principal, Mr. Woodhouse, had a very creepy molester type vibe. I've always associated school administrative officials with a sort of odd personality type. I say Chicago should look for fresh, new types of people to become principals. Forget academic backgrounds and degrees and experience working in schools. Go the unorthodox route and hire artistic craftspeople, dance music producers, high-end clothing store employees, and other creative and fun types. The schools could be happy and gay, and so will be the youth of tomorrow in our great city.

As a warning of what could happen otherwise, look no further than this odd tale of a high school senior in Florida who was forced to switch schools after mooning a teacher. Actually, is it just a moon when the hole is involved? I have to admit, I feel a bit creepy pondering anal questions when looking at a seemingly wholesome group of cute high school boys hanging out together. Which one is the mooner?

Anyway, there seems to be a debate in the comments about whether the punishment was too severe. I just never want to become those rich parents with no control over their kids who are then horrified when their precious babies do anything bad and think they can avoid responsibility the old-fashioned way: suing the accusers! A better punishment, and a more entertaining one, would be to force these people to be the subjects of a candid reality TV show (Bravo! couldn't say no) and show the world how disgusting they probably are.

And now, a story with a very fascinating picture. Would you guess that was a transsexual? Anyway, our academic focus today concludes with the debate over trannies at single-sex colleges. I would have much rather gone to an all-women's school than an all-boys' one, and I can't imagine the girls wouldn't have considered me one of their own. But, then again, maybe they want to get rid of anything male, regardless of personality and biology.

Those Smith and Bryn Mawr types are giving feminism a bad name (and sound: Dar Willilams and Ani DiFranco are just boring, depressing, and crappy!) with their angry, lesbian exclusivity. Take some advice from your gay brothers and keep it fun, inclusive, and fabulicious!

Big-Screen BJ for April 6, 2007

It's another horrifying weekend at the movies! The much-hyped and long-awaited Grindhouse, featuring two movies in one direced by Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez with an intermission of supposedly ultra-grody horror previews, hits the big screen. Not since Four Rooms has a vanity project this indulgent hit the screen, with the possible exception of The Passion of the Christ, of course. Like that controversial movie, this new one is also going to be controversial, plus it's super-gross and over three hours long!

Call me crazy, but a horror double-feature where I have to spend three hours wondering when I'll have to look away from the screen--because of naked women-parts as well as gone!--does not sound like my idea of a good time. However, I'm sure many of you disagree, so please let me know whether this is worth the ticket.


In The Reaping, Hilary Swank lends her considerable talent to a horror tale about a town that seems to eb suffering from biblical plagues. What is it with religious and horror mixing in the movies? I guess some of those old Bible stories would probably be considered horror movies if they were filmed, but just makae a documentary of Sunday school classes in rural Iowa and it'll be scarier than The Shining. I mean, just the food! The memories I have of Jell-O salads, dump bars, and techicolor sandwich loaves will linger long after I can enter a cave without The Descent ruining my nerves.

Anyway, a bonus in this film is the casting of Idris Elba, whose resume includes the bizarre TV combination of "Absolutely Fabulous" (the fabulicious "Sex" episode: "Razzle? Month? Year?") and "The Wire." Then again, with two horror movies for the price of one competing with it, this may not be the best weekend for the movie to open. Hopefully god will lead it to box office success.


For those of you who want to go the opposite direction, and for kids of all ages but, according to reviews, lower than average maturity levels, there's always Are We There Yet? Now, I would rather poke my eyes out (with a crucifix-shaped knife just to stay in theme, and while a trendy but obscure 70's rock song is playing, just for Quentino) than see this movie, and this is coming from someone who saw Home Alone six times in a theater. Of course, that was years ago, but watching someone get hurt and act klutzy in the suburbs ala bad sitcoms is not going to attract my movie-going ticket.

It's too bad that when we had good weather a couple of weeks ago, the premieres were exciting, while now it's cold but the new movies look awful. I guess it'll be a good weekend to catch up on older movies and maybe do some knitting and crocheting, if you catch my drift. Have a delicious weekend and don't forget to have a mimosa or a bloody mary, or several, on Easter for me! May your holiday otherwise be horror-free, religious or not.

BJ's Giant Clicker for April 5, 2007

Would you want these people in charge of your fate? Tyra's really cleaned up at panel the last two weeks, but J. is slowly but surely being overtaken by ruffles. Soon he'll have less neck than Melinda Doolittle! Last night's episode was entertaining but a bit silly. I say silly because, what in the heckaroony is a SuperSelf? It sounds like some gay new age therapy technique. Like, feeling sad? Turn into your superself and fight the homophobes!

Melrose was the guest and example of SuperSelf, which I guess just refers to her insipid combination of ner first and middle name. I don't know if that kind of thing is hot in L.A. (like Pinkberry), but whatever. Jael and Jaslene didn't change their names, and the rest ranged from ridiculous (Renee's, Neijma or something) to amusing (Wholahay, Dionne's signification that she likes dating older men). Everyone finally ragged on Renee for her bitchievous ways in a Mean Girls moment hosted by Tyra and her insane fake eyelashes. It was satisfying, as was the obnoxious Sarah's departure. Meanwhile, Nicole and Paris stirred up some shit (quelle surprise) and 50 Cent pushed Jael into a pool. How gay!


Farewell, Gina! It's been a bumpy two seasons (partial ones, anyway), but you still have your cute boyfriend and maybe Hot Topic will start doing TV commercials, assuming they don't already. Lady Redstreak wasn't going to win, but even her poseur-tude was far superior to "Hot Legs" Haley. She did a sweet and classy "Smile" as her sing out, although it was nearly ruined by the pro-life bitch Jordin chiming in. Go sing for Fred Phelps, Christer!

Overall, this was a tres boring week on "Idol." The best people were boring, and the worst were boring, too. Sanjaya was low-key aside from his arctic white leisure suit, which showed a bit more of the universe of Sanjaya (or at least suggested it) than I wanted to see! Hello, ghosting at seven o'clock (eight Eastern)! I'm still in Camp Doolittle, but she needs to bring something more to get me off my fat ass and to the phone, although I don't think she needs me. Now I'm going to Yahoo Yellow Page Hot Topics in and near Naperville and see if a field trip for lite bondage accessories is in the near future.


Although I never seem to feaure it on my blog, I love VH1, and more specifically, I love "I Love New York." But the channel has the best time wasting a bored boy could ask for. Does Kennedy really deserve money or screen time to make unfunny sassy comments about some fugworthy red carpet disaster from several seasons ago? Probably not, but for some reason it's like crack to me.

This Monday was the finale of ILNY, with Tango winning over Chance. I've only been a casual viewer of the series, sad to say, but the finale was Jerry Springer to the max! I don't know if Jerry's still taping new episodes, but if he is, I think that may be the next stop after Hot Topic. It was a serious storm of bleep-outs before New York's big decision. Now I need to go back and savor the eye candy from earlier in the season, although Mr. Boston's flat ass in a thong will only haunt my dreams for longer. I wonder if they have butt-enhancing briefs at Hot Topic. Is there one in Boys' Town, too?

Small-Screen BJ for April 4, 2007

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! Finally, all five seasons of "The Brady Bunch" are available on DVD with this fabulicious shag cover! You can't always judge a DVD by its package--unlike men! But this is sure one neat and spiffy cover. Gee whiz! I can't wait to relive all the hilarious moments, like Alice's hula hooping injury, and Jan's football to nose innjury, and the time when that one boy's voice changed. Or was that on the "Partridge Family?" See, I need to watch it again! I haven't had a Brady experience since that made-for-TV movie starring a young Adam Brody as whoever played Peter Brady. I'm so excited to go back to the original.


Midgets and log ladies and giants, oh my! I was a bit too young to appreciate "Twin Peaks" when it was on, but I occasionally watched it, and the images of Bob gave me nightmares that I don't think will ever go away! But what a great cult classic this show is, with Agent Cooper and his cherry pie fetish, David Duchovny playing a transvestite named Denise (formerly Dennis), and my favorite character, Lucy the police secretary.

The second season has sure taken a long time to come out on DVD. Hopefully that means there will some delicious extras. I remember hearing that the show started going downhill sometime during the second season, although maybe it was the third. Either way, I'm sure this will hit the spot for a scary night at home, or just some cut boy watching thanks to Bobby, James, and Mike! Remember when Mike was being stalked by Nadine after she got a concussion and developed super-human strength and the mistaken belief she was in high school again? Remember when Laara Flynn Boyle was less anorexic? This show truly is from another planet sometimes.


And now for something new! This week's biggest new release on DVD is certainly The Good Shepherd, Robert De Niro's CIA thriller. Now, as much as I appreciate the people in this movie, Matt Damon isn't cute enough anymore for me to invest almost three hours in a movie whose subject is so boring! If I wanted to see the Skulls unveiled, I would see The Skulls. Oh wait, I did! And it was horrendous! This is like the Oscar version, with history and intrigue and lots of really famous people.

However, when I was researching this movie on IMDB, I noticed that the five plot keywords listed on the site are:
Intolerance / Xenophobia / Racial Prejudice / Breasts / Blood
Well, that sounds interesting, if straight! Maybe I'll bite Matt's bullet and try to choke down this epic, but if I wanted to experience those keywords, I could just go to certain gay clubs in Boys' Town and have a drink and watch a go-go boy at the same time.

Audio BJ for April 3, 2007

These days, it seems like every famous young female celebrity (and Paris Hilton) has at least one album out. And their male equivalents, like Jesse McCartney, are almost as likely to. Yet, as much as I would love to love this music, it's actually pretty bad and forgettable. I mean, how hard is it to pay someone to write a catchy, decent song these days? These kids should hire me to hook them up with good producers, and I do not mean whoever did Madonna's "American Life"!

Anyway, Hilary Duff is lower key, not trashy, and . . . well, her new album is called Dignity, for goddess's sake! IT may as well be called I Haven't Been to Rehab Yet, but I can understand wanting the message to be strong and concise. According to her website, the album is about her tragic former relationship with Joel Madden, her life as a dignified (unlike her contemporaries) famous young woman, and so on. But is the music dignified? I think so! It's an eclectic dance melange of international flavors, with a dance floor-ready vibe that should fit right in at this summer's light and breezy parties. The release date is today, so buy it, download it, and feel the dignity.


Remember the mid 90's? Unlike some of my friends, who used a bit too many of the drogas to deal with boring life in Iowa, I sure do. One of the catchiest pop radio hits of the era was "Radiation Vibe" by Fountains of Wayne. To be honest, I don't really know much about the band aside from that song, except I think the lead singer did the music for That Thing You Do, another fun memory. Oh, the days when life was so much easier, without financial worries or interior decorating problems or real relationships.

Founains of Wayne have a brand new album, Traffic and Weather, out today, so perhaps we can all step back into the hazy, lazy days with an hour or so of pop goodness. Even if the new album isn't that good, at least it's a reminder to think back to the music and movies of ten years ago. I have a feeling a certain boyfriend named Don is going to be treated to a "Breakfast at Tiffany's" tonight, and I am referring to that alternative radio hit by some band whose name I may never have even known . . .


. . . but, thanks to the internet, I do now! Meet Deep Blue Something. "Breakfast" was on their 1995 album Home (thanks, All Music!) and they released two albums after that, with the last being self-titled and from 2001. It's so cool to have All Music for all the info, and then You Tube for the videos! In honor of this theme, I feel a list coming on . . .

BJ's Video Vault: Ten You Tube Experiences for Early April
1. Deep Blue Something - "Breakfast at Tiffany's"
2. Fountains of Wayne - "Radiation Vibe"
3. Len - "Steal My Sunshine"
4. Sugar Ray - "Fly"
5. Spin Doctors - "Two Princes"
6. The Rembrandts - "I'll Be There for You"
7. Dishwalla - "Counting Blue Cars"
8. Crash Test Dummies - "MMM MMM MMM MMM"
9. Madonna - "Take a Bow"
10. Christina Aguilera - "Genie in a Bottle"

Mr. BJ Goes to Washington for April 2, 2007

Things got surprisingly violent at a party after Saturday's Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards in L.A. Three guests were shot while attending a mysterious party. According to the AP, the party was thrown by someone who attended the Awards but was not a celebrity, and the party "had no celebrity guests." Luckily, the injuries were not serious, but still! What kind of people go to an event like that and then get into gun fights? Were they arguing over whether Dakota Fanning deserved to win Favorite Actress? Were there religious Harry Potter detractors horrified that the HP series won for Favorite Book?

The whole idea of a Kids Choice Awards after-party is just strange to me, but I guess some of the Nickelodeon stars are teenagers and probably do their share of drinking and drugging. How horrifying, though, to imagine my favorite Pete and Pete stars from the past doing coke in the Hollywood Hills! My innocent memories of TV fun are being thrown into question now, and I'm not happy about it.


The saga of the anatomically correct chocolate Jesus sculpture is still ongoing. After it was removed from its Manhattan location due to protests, people are apparantly dying to buy the piece, "My Sweet Lord," from artist Cosimo Cavallaro. His website includes other conceptual art, including an installation where he coated an entire house in Wisconsin with cheese.

I have to say, the American public is so uptight about art involving nudity or religion! It's ridiculous that you can go to a museum and see all this great old art with tons of violence and nudity, but if someone is evil enough to make a new artwork exposing Jesus's penis, it's the end of the world. Near my hometown in Iowa, there's another town that has an annual potato festival, Tater Dayz, and every year there is a Tater Queen who gets her sculpture done in mashed potatoes. One year it looked like her left nipple was exposed, and everyone in three counties was freaking out for weeks! People, it's art, and get over it!


It's a good old-fashioned mob trail here in Chicago! The story sounds like a bad movie, with characters like "brutal loan shark" Frank Calabrese Sr., Frank "The German" Schweihs (a hitman), James "Little Jimmy" Marcello and top mobster Joseph "The Clown" Lombardo, among others. They robbed jewelry stores, killed people for mob hits, and are known as the Outfit killers. The crimes also involve illegal Asian gambling, making it a true multi-cultural story worthy of Scorsese.

The witness, who own restaurants, adult bookstores, and other stereotypical mob businesses, will probably tell terrifying stories, and hopefully not wind up sleeping with the fishes themselves! Now, to be honest, I'm surprised something like this is going on in Chicagoland. When people think about Italians here, they think of Chicago-style pizza, not mass murderers! At least I hope so! Anyway, it will be interesting to see how this trial plays out. If it's on Court TV, I'm definitely heading down to the nearest Lou Malnati's to watch it with a slice and a cold Italian beer or glass of chianti.

BJ's Wild: Sing Along

It's Not Easy Being Straight: An Ode to Breederdom, by BJ Casanova

Sung to the tune of "It's Not Easy Being Green"

It's not that easy being straight
Having to spend each day dreaming of red hot snatch
When I think it could be nicer craving cocks, buttocks, and poppers
Or something much more flavorful like that

It's not easy being straight
It seems you blend in with so many trashy disgusting people
Like frat boys, Keven Federline, and not those
Who're standing out like flaming glitter in the blue sky
Or Anderson Cooper

But straight's the preference of God
And straight can be cool just like homo
And straight can be big like Ken Ryker, or important
Like a Barbra, or famous like Cher

When straight is all you're able to be
It could make you want to cry, or just want to die
But yet, I am straight and it'll do fine, it's fabulous
I love to drink beer and sex up chicks

Big-Screen BJ for March 30, 2007

For figure skating fans, this is a truly exciting day. First we had The Cutting Edge, then many years later a fantastic little film by the name of Ice Princess. Now comes Blades of Glory, the slapstick (slapskate?) comedy from the always-hoot-producing Will Farrell. Jon Heder, who is possibly as skinny as Johnny Weir, is his skating foil. I'm interested to see whether the intense gay quotient of skating is represented in the movie. Will they homo it up, and if so, will it be in good but funny taste?

No matter what, you can be sure this will be good for a laugh of twenty. I can't wait to see the fantastic skating scenes: the lifts, the jumps, the double reverses back sit-spins. Speaking of sit-spins, I hope there are some real (and real cute) male skaters on screen in this one. Brian Joubert, anyone? Meow! Anyway, you better believe I am going to be there gripping an extra-large candy bar in anticipation tonight.


Another high-concept comedy opening today is Blind Dating, which stars a very cute actor who was in one of my favorite TV shows, "American Dreams." He plays a blind guy who falls in love with an Indian (think alu gobi, not Sitting Bull) chick. Imagine the jokes from the double-whammy of sight impariment and cultural divides! I think this is going to be one of the sleeper comedies of the Spring, although it could also wind up being horrible, offensive, and utterly unfunny. Are you brave enough to check it out? Keep your eyes open if you do! And let me know.


I love, love, love Joseph Gordon-Levitt! He has risen from not-so-cuteness is "Third Rock" to a much cuter and much hotter indie career! He wasn't afraid to play gay in Mysterious Skin, one of my obsucre picks from last year. And today, he stars in the brand new film The Lookout, a gritty thriller where he plays a former high school athlete now desparate for money. His character, a janitor, becomes involved in a violent heist, and the explosive action continues from there.

I have to say, he can wipe my floors with his mop anytime! But if the movie is exciting and solid, the hotness factor will only be the icing on the cake--or, in this case, the peefoam on the urinal cake may be a more apt analogy.

Overall, it's a great weekend for movies! The weather here is dreary and rainy, Don is recovering from a wicked sinus infection, and it couldn't be more perfectly times with this triple-feature of cinematic entertainment. See you at the multiplex!

BJ's Giant Clicker for March 29, 2007

Yesterday, the new season of ANTM continued its dragtastic theme with a photo shoot where the girls as men alongside men in drag. The fake facial hair was worthy of a fantastic drag king, but you have to think the shoot unfairy benefited Jaslene. Transsexuals do drag? They don't even have that in Boys' Town! Anyway, Jaslene and Natasha were incredible. Natasha created her own grill from a gum wrapper, showing her Russian mail order bride ingenuity. Is she a secret genius underneath her facade of broken English and incoherence?

Meanwhile, the plus-sizers contineud to suck, and it was the dumb and inarticulate Diane who got the boot. Apparently brevity is the soul of stupidity sometimes! Also, if you missed last week's photo shoot and want to see the murderous images, don't go to the CW site, because they aren't there! Is this symbolism, or did the network bow to controversy? Finally, despite horrifyiing reports this might be the final Cycle, they are currently casting for the ninth! I was so excited to see the ad during last night's broadcast, and you can also sign up at the CW website. So, if you're fierce, tall enough, and crazy but not diagnosable, get online and become a part of pop culture.



Is he calling a hitman to off Sanjaya? There's a debate among "Idol" fans whether the PTB are angry that Sanjaya is ruining the show, or whether they're laughing all the way to the bank and putting on a public show of outrage. I'm going to reserve judgment until people I care about get kicked off the show, because I would rather see the next entry in the Sanjaya Updos of the Damned (or whatever the Hindu equivalent is) than tolerate another train-wreck performance by the Slight Christian Rocker. Good riddance! Go back to your youth ministry and take your Jars of Clay CDs with you.

This was a rather boring week on the show, despite two Donna Summer tracks and one of my favorite MTV hits from the recent past, "Hey Baby." Too bad Jordin Sparks has been outed as a pro-life freak. I suppose we're all lucky they don't outright ask the contestants for their opinions on gay marriage, because I have a feeling I would have to take my fat gay atheist ass off the couch for two and a half hours a week.



Then again, there's always new shoes to fill the gaps. This Sunday is the premiere of Showtime's new series "The Tudors," starring Jonathan Rhys Meyers. I will be any wife of his Henry VIII he wants me to be! I don't know if this is supposed to capitalize on the "Rome" popularity, but now that I can't see the nudity and homoerotic tension on HBO every Sunday, this is probably worth a try.

Finally, as if Bravo! wasn't running its gay reality franchise into the ground with the horrendous "Top Design," they have just started advertising the next and even gayer addition: Shear Genius. Terrible name, terrible idea: America's Next Top Hair Stylist. Of course, it can't be worse than "Blowout," or can it? The contestants, including several foreigners and a man apparently named Dr. Boogie, look intriguing enough, but I'm predicting a bomb that will make "Top Design" look like season one of "Project Runway." I say it's time to bright back "Are You Hot?" just so the breeders can share some of the embarrassment.

Small-Screen BJ for March 28, 2007

One of the most critically acclaimed movies of the year was Children of Men, and for good reason. This tense, exciting thriller had everything true film lovers want to see: great acting, fabulous cinematography, and a nail-bitingly suspenseful plot with a surprisingly bittersweet ending. The only thing that disappointed me was that Julianne Moore wasn't in at as much as I thought she would have been. Ever since Boogie Nights, I've absolutely loved her!

Without giving anything away, this movie is about a future where no one can have children. I'm still not sure if this is offensive, like if it's saying what would happen if everyone was gay. Of course, gay people are capable of conceiving and having children, but not through the same methods as hetero couples. Is the nightmarish, post-apocalytpic world without breeding a kind of homo-holocaust? I can't decide if I should be offended, so until some politically astute blogger convinces me otherwise, I'm going to recommend this movie to everyone.



Will Smith was probably thinking "critics just don't understand" if he read reviews for The Pursuit of Happyness, but he laughed all the way to an Oscar nomination! I know this was a corny movie, but its literal rags-to-riches story was heartwarming, and Will's son Jaden was such a cutie that you had to fall in love with him. He's like the black Jonathan Lipnicki! Also, coming from a family where we didn't have much spending money, and now today that I'm in a place where my financial security is really good, I understood the message of this movie: Being poor sucks! Could there be a more American message?



Awesome, dude! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. The sixth of eight "Full House" seasons is out on DVD as of yesterday, so you can relive the hilarious and touching family stories in case you haven't already seen the episodes one of the 850 times they've been on TV. I must say, this was and still is one of my favorite shows. As a young gay, it was great to see that San Francisco wasn't scary. Of course, it wasn't really gay in this show, either, but I knew that I could go from the Castro to a wholesome family neighborhood and that made me more willing to visit.

Of course, we all know what happened to the Olsen twins, and I guess I can't blame them for waning to keep the same body weight from the early seasons of the show. Who wouldn't? Jodi Sweeten became a meth addict, and Bob Saget disappeared into thin air, but we'll always have this show. It's no SBTB, but who can forget the fantastic episode where DJ went on a diet and passed out after an explosive treadmill session (or was it exercise bike?). Or the episode where Stephanie got in a car accident while wearing hipster boots? This show is my generation, from the clothes to the laughs, and they just don't make TV like this anymore.