Audio BJ for March 27, 2007

Remember back around 2000 when you couldn't walk five feet without hearing some crazy mupper-sounding woman singing a classic bluesy song? I try to forget but I stumble . . . Yes, Macy Gray is back with her new album, Big. It's certainly an apt title for a woman with a big voice, big hair, big body, and some big mental issues, based on some of the public appearance I remember her making. Actually, maybe she was just a big pothead, but as long as she isn't a big fashion influence, the world is safe.

When I was in college, I swear you couldn't walk for two straight blocks in downtown Des Moines without hearing "I Try" coming out of at least one car for several months in a row. In fact, I remember venturing into the New Blue Nude to check out the Bel Ami videos and feeling less nervous because I was distracted by that song. Now it's going to be stuck in my head again, and I'll just pray for the best and another frisky summer of Macy.



What is "new rave"? Apparently, it's a genre the Klaxons have possibly invented to describe their scene. It must be their scene, because they don't sound like the kind of music you'd hear at a rave. There's no disco house or ambient 4/4 techno garage fantasy with an electro breakdown and a happy hardcore encore. Instead, they just sound like another of those happy, dancey indie bands that I love to tolerate.

I'm so confused about all this "Nu Rave" and "new rave" going on in England. Is it coming to Chicago? Will there be warehouse drug-soaked dance orgies? I hope I'm not too old to be invited, if there are! But as far as the Klaxons are concerned, I guess I would break out the glow sticks and Vaporub mask and see them live. Their album, Myths of the Near Future, isn't as fun, but can you really condense an all-night DMT, PCP, GHB, and MDMA fantasy onto one cheap shiny disc? If so, the entire American secular college scene would be ruined instantly!



To celebrate the new episode of "Idol" tonight, I'm featuring this week's guest judge, Gwen Stefani! I remember when No Doubt was the hottest thing on "alternative" radio. I love "Just a Girl" still--it's a great song for dancing around the house, blasting out the lyrics. Because, as you all know, I, BJ, really am just a girl living in society. Aren't we all, sometimes? I also loved "Spiderwebs." When they played it at prom, I had a fantasy I was dancing with their drummer, who of course was wearing only a scanty thong.

So many memories! I'll slow dance with him, in my mind, to "Don't Speak." Until tomorrow, I hope you enjoy the weather or at least have your own rock'n'roll BJ fantasy!

Mr. BJ Goes to Washington for March 26, 2007

Attention Chicago residents: The El is in danger! I'm sure everyone has stories about how much the service sucks. Just last weekend I had to wait over 15 minutes while I was carrying three large shopping bads from Bed, Bath, and Boyfriends! I know I need the exercise but there's a reason people pay for gym memberships and it isn't because they can get the same workout for free without planning it.

Anyway, according to this article in today's New York Times, commute times will be twice as long for the next two years, and major construction will cause trauma and delays on various lines in the near future. I think I speak for everyone in our fine city when I say: public transport is filled with trashy people, drunks, and beggars. If you're willing to deal with that, a delay and a rerouting are the least of your problems. Get a car, take a taxi, or ride a Segway! I know I plan to boycott the El starting this moment.



The verdict has finally arrived: Anna Nicole died of an "accidental overdose." It seems sensible enough, but I'm sure there will be countless conspiracy theories about his tragedy for years. Like Elvis and Tupac, Anna Nicole seems destined to be the subject of Oliver Stone-esque mystery and intrigue. Was it relatives of that really old guy she was once married to? Was it angry TrimSpa customers who didn't lose 69 pounds like Anna? Was it that ugly lesbian who followed her around on her TV show? We may never know.

I know that Anna Nicole is huge in the gay community, and it certianly isn't like me to say no to a drug-addicted train wreck with giant tits, but there was just something missing about her. With Marilyn and Liza and even Cher, there is always a hint of class even during the most explosive train wrecks. Plus, those divas made music and movies that I love. Sure, I laughed at Naked Gun 33 1/3 when I was 13, but I was laughing at her. Never with her. Nonetheless, R.I.P. Anna, if you are really dead.

In other news, I was going to mention the whole Alberto Gonzalez thing, but I really don't know much about the whole issue, and you can read about it everywhere else. I guess he should be kicked out or whatever, but honestly, I'm more interested in the face that Janice Dickinson got banend from L.A. fashion week after her horrible behavior there. Does that count as politics? I'm beginning to rethink the whole Monday politics thing on this blog. Mondays are dreary enough as it is. If anyone has suggestions for a replacement topic, I'm all ears.

Big-Screen BJ for March 23, 2007

Another one bites the wagon! Hot piece of man/boy-meat Jesse Metcalfe joined the ever-growing list of celebrities in rehab this week. Rehab is the hottest trend since the heydey of UGGs! I'm going to have to dive into a bottle of Cabana Boy and see if I can qualify myself. However, with Brit and Lindsay, it's obvious that there are drug and alcohol problems up the wazoo justifying the rehab. With Jesse, though? Does he look like he would dare consume the calories? Is there a special calorie-free liquor available only to John Tucker? I have a strong feeling that the "rehab" he's going to is for something other than hitting the bottle. Hint: replace "hitting" with "sucking," and you'll be on the right track. Best wishes!



Oh, the memories! That picture certainly gave me lots of good vibrations when I was a troubled adolescent. Anyway, it's old news that Marky overcame his 80's lameness and is now a huge, ultrahot star. Today his new film Shooter opens. When I first heard the title, I hoped it was inspired by the classic song by Rednex. If they had a second hit after "Cotton Eye Joe," "Shooter" would've been a great choice. Unfortunately, though, this movie is some stupid political thriller about a guy who gets framed for trying to assassinte the president. To make matters worse, Marky's characters is named Bob Lee Swagger. That sounds like a bag drag king! I think I'll skip this one.



Rounding out the trifecta of hunky manliness this week is another blast from the past: TMNT! Personally, I think it's bodacious and dudical that these surfer-speaking heroes are back! I have to say, if I was going to swing with a female cartoon, April wouldn't be too low on the list. But those hot, phallic weapons! I must say, Leonardo can impail me with his bo anytime. I'm sure this movie will be awful, but I'm still going to indulge my nostalgia as soon as I have time to step away from the World Figure Skating Championships. Speaking of which:

An Apologetic BJ

In my figure skating excitement yesterday, I accidentally reported that ESPN was showign the pairs event last night. It was actually the original dance. Aplogize to anyone whose life was ruined by this mistake. In fact, ESPN isn't covering the pairs competition at all until the 31st, after every other event including the exhibition! Could this be because pairs is the one thing the U.S. has no medal chance in? I am infuriated, but I will wait until the 31st unspoiled because I love the Chinese pairs and I can't wait to see their throw quads and lifts and all the fantasy!

I'll talk more over the weekend about this incredible event, including last night's men's finale. Johnny disappointed, Daisuke thrilled, and Brian took it home (but, for once, kept his shirt on--boo hoo).

BJ's Giant Clicker for March 22, 2007

If the "American Idol" results are infuriating you, take some advice from the faabulicious Lisa D'Amato: Relax and have a cookie! This sweet Sanjaya snack comes from the brilliant website Milkfat. Go there now, and leave them a sweet if not literally edible gift!

This week was the British Invasion on "Idol," and any obsessed AbFab fan like myself was obviously thrilled to see Lulu as the guest judge! Now if only they have Bubble performing "No Limit" and mentoring the contestants through cheesy hi-nrg dance week, my life would be complete. The show was stolen by Lulu as well as a hysterical crying girl, who apparently thought seeing Sanjaya live was the equivalent of seeing the Beatles when they were famous. Well, I don't like the Beatles and if I saw Sanjaya, I would cry from tears of horror or tears of jealously for his fabulous waistline. Anyway, LaKisha and Melinda are still my girls, and as for poor departed Stephanie, who cares? Let's hope the more annoying cannon fodder goes next, though.



Top Model, Top Model, Top Model! Jaslene flew under the radar this week, possibly because the Paris is Burning quotient rose to a new height, making her irrelevant. Benny Ninja, of whose relation to the dear R.I.P. Willi Ninja is unclear to me, taught the girls how to vogue. Benny and Sanjaya need to split a big plate of tandoori chicken wings! But the rest was fabulous. Renee spend a week trying not to be a bitch, and the photo shoot theme--dead bodies--brought out the gore, literally! I was sad to see Felicia go, but better her than Dionne, who I'm hoping makes a comeback asap.



Finally, the moment I have been waiting for for months: tonight, ESPN's coverage of the 2007 World Figure Skating Championships begins!! This is Mao Asada, the 16-year-old sensation who I'm hoping will make the hometown Tokyo crowd proud and take the women's title. The men's and pair's titles will be awarded tonight, and I'm routing for Canada or Switzerland in the former and China all the way in the latter! Check back this weekend for a very special BJ's Wild with my thoughts on this wonderful event, definitely one of the top five annual TV events for me.

Audio BJ for March 21, 2007

Yesterday was the first day of Spring, and it's time to put away those depressing, dark, wintery albums and put on the kind of happy music that will get you shaking your booty, ready for all the exciting dance parties and circuit parties (I'm planning to go this summer, fitness permitting) coming up in the warmer months!



Although it's not new at all, the song "Seventeen" by the Ladytron is one of my favoritesw to dance around the house to. These Eurochic, androgylicious cuties have created a deliciously catchy song about underage temptation, one with obvious nearness and dearness to my heart--and, occastionally, other parts of my body! This is the kind of song that any DJ can put on and know the crowd is going to sing along, dance like crazy, and turn the temperature up! And, not that I would know, but I can imagine a twink go-go boy thinking this was the perfect song to get one's barely legal groove on to.



When I think about the perfect song to blast on my car radio when it's finally warm enough to drive with the windows down, nothing comes to mind more clearly than "Such Great Heights" by the Postal Service. You will notice I didn't picture the band, and that's because, sadly, they aren't very attractive. However, this is the ultimate spring indie pop song. No matter how bad a mood you're in--whether you're sad about who got eliminated on "Idol," or your pet just died, or your boyfriend cheated on you with that fat slut who works at American Eagle--this song will get you happy and smiling.



Now, I know I sound like I'm getting all indie on you, and I don't want you to get that mistaken impression, so here's my all-time Spring dance favorite: pure 80's fabuliciousness with Bananarama! Even on those rainy, dark March days, when you're so impatient for the sun to come out, pop on their greatest hits and it'll be like the middle of June! Some people only know "Venus" and "Cruel Summer," but they have so many other great songs. In fact, I'm listening to "Love in the First Degree Right Now," and it has inspired me to make a playlist of other delightful 80's fun that will put the Spring in your step in every way!

BJ Loves the 80's
Bananarama: "Love in the First Degree"
Samantha Fox: "I Only Want To Be With You"
Debbie Gibson: "Staying Together"
Tiffany: "Radio Romance"
Boy Meets Girl: "Waiting for a Star to Fall"
Roxette: "The Look"
Rick Astley: "Never Gonna Give You Up"
Duran Duran: "Girls on Film"
The Go-Go's: "We Got the Beat"
Madonna: "Into the Groove"
Escape Club: "Wild Wild West"
A Flock of Seagulls: "I Ran"
A-Ha: "Take on Me"

Small-Screen BJ for March 13, 2007

This week, the DVD excitement has forced me to switch my Tuesday and Wednesday features! Sorry for the confusion, but stay turned for the audio round-up tomorrow, and sit back and enjoy:

An Unpredictable BJ



What is it with barely legal (and, in the case of Daniel Radcliffe, nude and underage) Brits these days? The hot streak continues with today's DVD release of Eragon, starring boarding school bombshell Ed Speleers. This boy can ride my dragon anytime! But, seriously, I've never been too much into that whole fantasy thing. Crystals, unicorns, drarves, and wizards . . . I just don't get it. I mean, between the unicorn horns and the magic wands, it's no surprise that one of the most popular magic spells help these sorcerors ride the dragon bareback with safety, but the whole D and D thing just has bad associations. Anyway, I'm going to plan on watching this movie for the CGI effects (that's my public statement and you can't prove otherwise).



Why can't Leo still look like this? Sure, he might not have as easy a time scoring "serious" roles or whatever, but I miss the cute boy who didn't have the bloat, the facial hair, the convincing heterosexuality. Anyway, Leo's the star of today's hottest DVD release, The Blood Diamond. Oh, director Edward Zwick, you are so talented at tackling social issues! Who would've known the diamond industry had such a seedy underbelly (and I'm not talking about Leo's!). I learned something, I got to ogle Djimon Hounsou, and I tried to see if Jennifer Connelly's womanly parts had any permanent damage from that horrific scene in Requiem for a Dream.

Now it's time for another edition of:

Thanks for the BJ Memories

It's the first day of Spring, and what could be more Springy than a classic musical filled with catchy tunes, Hollywood legends, and, most importantly, Judy?



Easter Parade may not be one of the most famous musical of its time, but it is still a great sing-along experience. Have a few gay friends over, put on your laciest bonnet, and pop it in the DVD player and you've got an evening of entertainment!

Unfortunately, it was difficult for me to enjoy this movie for several years, because when I was 15, I participated in the Easter Parade in the neighboring town of Story City, IA. I was dressed as the Goddess of Spring, wearing a flowing pale green dress and carrying a magic wand that was actually a Star Wars promotional light sabre. My tiara was a Burker King birthday crown decorated with my Bedazzler and a hint of puff paint. Needless to say, the good people of the Roland/Story City area were not ready for my fairy goddess, and I barely avoided a public beating. However, I have put all that behind me . . . for Judy!

Mr. BJ Goes to Washington for March 19, 2007

"Welcome to IHOP! We'll be happy to serve you as long as you aren't lesbians! What, you thought we were lesbians? Do we look like carpet munchers to you? I'm sorry, but that Subaru in the parking lot belongs to our MALE manager, Terry. No, we didn't choose the Muzak version of Dar Williams playing in the background. Now get out! No, that's not what we mean . . ."

In case you haven't heard about this incident in Missouri yet, here's the story: A couple of lesbyterians exchanged a kiss at their local IHOP and got booted. Now, I have to assume that there is a reason a lesbian couple were in Missouri in the first place, and then there was a reason they were at IHOP, and then there was a reason they were so happy in said IHOP that they decided to smooch.

But while my mind boggles, I am still outraged that the staff at such a trashy, disgusting restaurant would think they could take the moral high ground. I mean, I have been to the rural pancake-houses of horror in the Midwest. I have seen the customers at Shoney's and IHOP, and I can assure you that there are worse moral crimes than muff diving frequently committed by the people who frequent them. For starters: incest, bestiality, stone-washed denim (with elastic cuffs!), and many more.



In local news, a warning for participants in the Chicago nightlife scene: Next time you are approached by a clean-cut, well-built man in a polo shirt and khakis, and he's reeking of alcohol and dying to swing for the night, watch out! According to this terrifying story in the Sun Times, the CPD has undercover cops pretending to be drunk. Sure, this guy focuses on violent robbers and beggars, but from what I know about straight men undercover, whether drunk or pretending to be drunk, I think the gay community should take this very seriously. Don't think until you can't think, or you might wind up in the pink, and you know what they say about being forced to give up the pink in the clink!

Finally, on a more serious note:

A More Serious BJ

As you all know, it is the fourth anniversary of the war in Iraq. I have nothing to add about how ridiculous this was is, and how our president bascially sucks in every way possible. So, I want to send out my wishes for the unfortunate people in Iraq. May you suffer less in the future, and may our ignorant American countrymen and women leave you alone or at least try to undo the damage they've done in your country.



I know it is a sad state of affairs when this woman won the Miss Iraq 2006 pageant. On behalf of all the politically aware gays in America, this is BJ, wishing you a much, much, much more attractive and glamorous future.