Big-Screen BJ for March 30, 2007

For figure skating fans, this is a truly exciting day. First we had The Cutting Edge, then many years later a fantastic little film by the name of Ice Princess. Now comes Blades of Glory, the slapstick (slapskate?) comedy from the always-hoot-producing Will Farrell. Jon Heder, who is possibly as skinny as Johnny Weir, is his skating foil. I'm interested to see whether the intense gay quotient of skating is represented in the movie. Will they homo it up, and if so, will it be in good but funny taste?

No matter what, you can be sure this will be good for a laugh of twenty. I can't wait to see the fantastic skating scenes: the lifts, the jumps, the double reverses back sit-spins. Speaking of sit-spins, I hope there are some real (and real cute) male skaters on screen in this one. Brian Joubert, anyone? Meow! Anyway, you better believe I am going to be there gripping an extra-large candy bar in anticipation tonight.


Another high-concept comedy opening today is Blind Dating, which stars a very cute actor who was in one of my favorite TV shows, "American Dreams." He plays a blind guy who falls in love with an Indian (think alu gobi, not Sitting Bull) chick. Imagine the jokes from the double-whammy of sight impariment and cultural divides! I think this is going to be one of the sleeper comedies of the Spring, although it could also wind up being horrible, offensive, and utterly unfunny. Are you brave enough to check it out? Keep your eyes open if you do! And let me know.


I love, love, love Joseph Gordon-Levitt! He has risen from not-so-cuteness is "Third Rock" to a much cuter and much hotter indie career! He wasn't afraid to play gay in Mysterious Skin, one of my obsucre picks from last year. And today, he stars in the brand new film The Lookout, a gritty thriller where he plays a former high school athlete now desparate for money. His character, a janitor, becomes involved in a violent heist, and the explosive action continues from there.

I have to say, he can wipe my floors with his mop anytime! But if the movie is exciting and solid, the hotness factor will only be the icing on the cake--or, in this case, the peefoam on the urinal cake may be a more apt analogy.

Overall, it's a great weekend for movies! The weather here is dreary and rainy, Don is recovering from a wicked sinus infection, and it couldn't be more perfectly times with this triple-feature of cinematic entertainment. See you at the multiplex!

BJ's Giant Clicker for March 29, 2007

Yesterday, the new season of ANTM continued its dragtastic theme with a photo shoot where the girls as men alongside men in drag. The fake facial hair was worthy of a fantastic drag king, but you have to think the shoot unfairy benefited Jaslene. Transsexuals do drag? They don't even have that in Boys' Town! Anyway, Jaslene and Natasha were incredible. Natasha created her own grill from a gum wrapper, showing her Russian mail order bride ingenuity. Is she a secret genius underneath her facade of broken English and incoherence?

Meanwhile, the plus-sizers contineud to suck, and it was the dumb and inarticulate Diane who got the boot. Apparently brevity is the soul of stupidity sometimes! Also, if you missed last week's photo shoot and want to see the murderous images, don't go to the CW site, because they aren't there! Is this symbolism, or did the network bow to controversy? Finally, despite horrifyiing reports this might be the final Cycle, they are currently casting for the ninth! I was so excited to see the ad during last night's broadcast, and you can also sign up at the CW website. So, if you're fierce, tall enough, and crazy but not diagnosable, get online and become a part of pop culture.



Is he calling a hitman to off Sanjaya? There's a debate among "Idol" fans whether the PTB are angry that Sanjaya is ruining the show, or whether they're laughing all the way to the bank and putting on a public show of outrage. I'm going to reserve judgment until people I care about get kicked off the show, because I would rather see the next entry in the Sanjaya Updos of the Damned (or whatever the Hindu equivalent is) than tolerate another train-wreck performance by the Slight Christian Rocker. Good riddance! Go back to your youth ministry and take your Jars of Clay CDs with you.

This was a rather boring week on the show, despite two Donna Summer tracks and one of my favorite MTV hits from the recent past, "Hey Baby." Too bad Jordin Sparks has been outed as a pro-life freak. I suppose we're all lucky they don't outright ask the contestants for their opinions on gay marriage, because I have a feeling I would have to take my fat gay atheist ass off the couch for two and a half hours a week.



Then again, there's always new shoes to fill the gaps. This Sunday is the premiere of Showtime's new series "The Tudors," starring Jonathan Rhys Meyers. I will be any wife of his Henry VIII he wants me to be! I don't know if this is supposed to capitalize on the "Rome" popularity, but now that I can't see the nudity and homoerotic tension on HBO every Sunday, this is probably worth a try.

Finally, as if Bravo! wasn't running its gay reality franchise into the ground with the horrendous "Top Design," they have just started advertising the next and even gayer addition: Shear Genius. Terrible name, terrible idea: America's Next Top Hair Stylist. Of course, it can't be worse than "Blowout," or can it? The contestants, including several foreigners and a man apparently named Dr. Boogie, look intriguing enough, but I'm predicting a bomb that will make "Top Design" look like season one of "Project Runway." I say it's time to bright back "Are You Hot?" just so the breeders can share some of the embarrassment.

Small-Screen BJ for March 28, 2007

One of the most critically acclaimed movies of the year was Children of Men, and for good reason. This tense, exciting thriller had everything true film lovers want to see: great acting, fabulous cinematography, and a nail-bitingly suspenseful plot with a surprisingly bittersweet ending. The only thing that disappointed me was that Julianne Moore wasn't in at as much as I thought she would have been. Ever since Boogie Nights, I've absolutely loved her!

Without giving anything away, this movie is about a future where no one can have children. I'm still not sure if this is offensive, like if it's saying what would happen if everyone was gay. Of course, gay people are capable of conceiving and having children, but not through the same methods as hetero couples. Is the nightmarish, post-apocalytpic world without breeding a kind of homo-holocaust? I can't decide if I should be offended, so until some politically astute blogger convinces me otherwise, I'm going to recommend this movie to everyone.



Will Smith was probably thinking "critics just don't understand" if he read reviews for The Pursuit of Happyness, but he laughed all the way to an Oscar nomination! I know this was a corny movie, but its literal rags-to-riches story was heartwarming, and Will's son Jaden was such a cutie that you had to fall in love with him. He's like the black Jonathan Lipnicki! Also, coming from a family where we didn't have much spending money, and now today that I'm in a place where my financial security is really good, I understood the message of this movie: Being poor sucks! Could there be a more American message?



Awesome, dude! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. The sixth of eight "Full House" seasons is out on DVD as of yesterday, so you can relive the hilarious and touching family stories in case you haven't already seen the episodes one of the 850 times they've been on TV. I must say, this was and still is one of my favorite shows. As a young gay, it was great to see that San Francisco wasn't scary. Of course, it wasn't really gay in this show, either, but I knew that I could go from the Castro to a wholesome family neighborhood and that made me more willing to visit.

Of course, we all know what happened to the Olsen twins, and I guess I can't blame them for waning to keep the same body weight from the early seasons of the show. Who wouldn't? Jodi Sweeten became a meth addict, and Bob Saget disappeared into thin air, but we'll always have this show. It's no SBTB, but who can forget the fantastic episode where DJ went on a diet and passed out after an explosive treadmill session (or was it exercise bike?). Or the episode where Stephanie got in a car accident while wearing hipster boots? This show is my generation, from the clothes to the laughs, and they just don't make TV like this anymore.

Audio BJ for March 27, 2007

Remember back around 2000 when you couldn't walk five feet without hearing some crazy mupper-sounding woman singing a classic bluesy song? I try to forget but I stumble . . . Yes, Macy Gray is back with her new album, Big. It's certainly an apt title for a woman with a big voice, big hair, big body, and some big mental issues, based on some of the public appearance I remember her making. Actually, maybe she was just a big pothead, but as long as she isn't a big fashion influence, the world is safe.

When I was in college, I swear you couldn't walk for two straight blocks in downtown Des Moines without hearing "I Try" coming out of at least one car for several months in a row. In fact, I remember venturing into the New Blue Nude to check out the Bel Ami videos and feeling less nervous because I was distracted by that song. Now it's going to be stuck in my head again, and I'll just pray for the best and another frisky summer of Macy.



What is "new rave"? Apparently, it's a genre the Klaxons have possibly invented to describe their scene. It must be their scene, because they don't sound like the kind of music you'd hear at a rave. There's no disco house or ambient 4/4 techno garage fantasy with an electro breakdown and a happy hardcore encore. Instead, they just sound like another of those happy, dancey indie bands that I love to tolerate.

I'm so confused about all this "Nu Rave" and "new rave" going on in England. Is it coming to Chicago? Will there be warehouse drug-soaked dance orgies? I hope I'm not too old to be invited, if there are! But as far as the Klaxons are concerned, I guess I would break out the glow sticks and Vaporub mask and see them live. Their album, Myths of the Near Future, isn't as fun, but can you really condense an all-night DMT, PCP, GHB, and MDMA fantasy onto one cheap shiny disc? If so, the entire American secular college scene would be ruined instantly!



To celebrate the new episode of "Idol" tonight, I'm featuring this week's guest judge, Gwen Stefani! I remember when No Doubt was the hottest thing on "alternative" radio. I love "Just a Girl" still--it's a great song for dancing around the house, blasting out the lyrics. Because, as you all know, I, BJ, really am just a girl living in society. Aren't we all, sometimes? I also loved "Spiderwebs." When they played it at prom, I had a fantasy I was dancing with their drummer, who of course was wearing only a scanty thong.

So many memories! I'll slow dance with him, in my mind, to "Don't Speak." Until tomorrow, I hope you enjoy the weather or at least have your own rock'n'roll BJ fantasy!

Mr. BJ Goes to Washington for March 26, 2007

Attention Chicago residents: The El is in danger! I'm sure everyone has stories about how much the service sucks. Just last weekend I had to wait over 15 minutes while I was carrying three large shopping bads from Bed, Bath, and Boyfriends! I know I need the exercise but there's a reason people pay for gym memberships and it isn't because they can get the same workout for free without planning it.

Anyway, according to this article in today's New York Times, commute times will be twice as long for the next two years, and major construction will cause trauma and delays on various lines in the near future. I think I speak for everyone in our fine city when I say: public transport is filled with trashy people, drunks, and beggars. If you're willing to deal with that, a delay and a rerouting are the least of your problems. Get a car, take a taxi, or ride a Segway! I know I plan to boycott the El starting this moment.



The verdict has finally arrived: Anna Nicole died of an "accidental overdose." It seems sensible enough, but I'm sure there will be countless conspiracy theories about his tragedy for years. Like Elvis and Tupac, Anna Nicole seems destined to be the subject of Oliver Stone-esque mystery and intrigue. Was it relatives of that really old guy she was once married to? Was it angry TrimSpa customers who didn't lose 69 pounds like Anna? Was it that ugly lesbian who followed her around on her TV show? We may never know.

I know that Anna Nicole is huge in the gay community, and it certianly isn't like me to say no to a drug-addicted train wreck with giant tits, but there was just something missing about her. With Marilyn and Liza and even Cher, there is always a hint of class even during the most explosive train wrecks. Plus, those divas made music and movies that I love. Sure, I laughed at Naked Gun 33 1/3 when I was 13, but I was laughing at her. Never with her. Nonetheless, R.I.P. Anna, if you are really dead.

In other news, I was going to mention the whole Alberto Gonzalez thing, but I really don't know much about the whole issue, and you can read about it everywhere else. I guess he should be kicked out or whatever, but honestly, I'm more interested in the face that Janice Dickinson got banend from L.A. fashion week after her horrible behavior there. Does that count as politics? I'm beginning to rethink the whole Monday politics thing on this blog. Mondays are dreary enough as it is. If anyone has suggestions for a replacement topic, I'm all ears.

Big-Screen BJ for March 23, 2007

Another one bites the wagon! Hot piece of man/boy-meat Jesse Metcalfe joined the ever-growing list of celebrities in rehab this week. Rehab is the hottest trend since the heydey of UGGs! I'm going to have to dive into a bottle of Cabana Boy and see if I can qualify myself. However, with Brit and Lindsay, it's obvious that there are drug and alcohol problems up the wazoo justifying the rehab. With Jesse, though? Does he look like he would dare consume the calories? Is there a special calorie-free liquor available only to John Tucker? I have a strong feeling that the "rehab" he's going to is for something other than hitting the bottle. Hint: replace "hitting" with "sucking," and you'll be on the right track. Best wishes!



Oh, the memories! That picture certainly gave me lots of good vibrations when I was a troubled adolescent. Anyway, it's old news that Marky overcame his 80's lameness and is now a huge, ultrahot star. Today his new film Shooter opens. When I first heard the title, I hoped it was inspired by the classic song by Rednex. If they had a second hit after "Cotton Eye Joe," "Shooter" would've been a great choice. Unfortunately, though, this movie is some stupid political thriller about a guy who gets framed for trying to assassinte the president. To make matters worse, Marky's characters is named Bob Lee Swagger. That sounds like a bag drag king! I think I'll skip this one.



Rounding out the trifecta of hunky manliness this week is another blast from the past: TMNT! Personally, I think it's bodacious and dudical that these surfer-speaking heroes are back! I have to say, if I was going to swing with a female cartoon, April wouldn't be too low on the list. But those hot, phallic weapons! I must say, Leonardo can impail me with his bo anytime. I'm sure this movie will be awful, but I'm still going to indulge my nostalgia as soon as I have time to step away from the World Figure Skating Championships. Speaking of which:

An Apologetic BJ

In my figure skating excitement yesterday, I accidentally reported that ESPN was showign the pairs event last night. It was actually the original dance. Aplogize to anyone whose life was ruined by this mistake. In fact, ESPN isn't covering the pairs competition at all until the 31st, after every other event including the exhibition! Could this be because pairs is the one thing the U.S. has no medal chance in? I am infuriated, but I will wait until the 31st unspoiled because I love the Chinese pairs and I can't wait to see their throw quads and lifts and all the fantasy!

I'll talk more over the weekend about this incredible event, including last night's men's finale. Johnny disappointed, Daisuke thrilled, and Brian took it home (but, for once, kept his shirt on--boo hoo).

BJ's Giant Clicker for March 22, 2007

If the "American Idol" results are infuriating you, take some advice from the faabulicious Lisa D'Amato: Relax and have a cookie! This sweet Sanjaya snack comes from the brilliant website Milkfat. Go there now, and leave them a sweet if not literally edible gift!

This week was the British Invasion on "Idol," and any obsessed AbFab fan like myself was obviously thrilled to see Lulu as the guest judge! Now if only they have Bubble performing "No Limit" and mentoring the contestants through cheesy hi-nrg dance week, my life would be complete. The show was stolen by Lulu as well as a hysterical crying girl, who apparently thought seeing Sanjaya live was the equivalent of seeing the Beatles when they were famous. Well, I don't like the Beatles and if I saw Sanjaya, I would cry from tears of horror or tears of jealously for his fabulous waistline. Anyway, LaKisha and Melinda are still my girls, and as for poor departed Stephanie, who cares? Let's hope the more annoying cannon fodder goes next, though.



Top Model, Top Model, Top Model! Jaslene flew under the radar this week, possibly because the Paris is Burning quotient rose to a new height, making her irrelevant. Benny Ninja, of whose relation to the dear R.I.P. Willi Ninja is unclear to me, taught the girls how to vogue. Benny and Sanjaya need to split a big plate of tandoori chicken wings! But the rest was fabulous. Renee spend a week trying not to be a bitch, and the photo shoot theme--dead bodies--brought out the gore, literally! I was sad to see Felicia go, but better her than Dionne, who I'm hoping makes a comeback asap.



Finally, the moment I have been waiting for for months: tonight, ESPN's coverage of the 2007 World Figure Skating Championships begins!! This is Mao Asada, the 16-year-old sensation who I'm hoping will make the hometown Tokyo crowd proud and take the women's title. The men's and pair's titles will be awarded tonight, and I'm routing for Canada or Switzerland in the former and China all the way in the latter! Check back this weekend for a very special BJ's Wild with my thoughts on this wonderful event, definitely one of the top five annual TV events for me.

Audio BJ for March 21, 2007

Yesterday was the first day of Spring, and it's time to put away those depressing, dark, wintery albums and put on the kind of happy music that will get you shaking your booty, ready for all the exciting dance parties and circuit parties (I'm planning to go this summer, fitness permitting) coming up in the warmer months!



Although it's not new at all, the song "Seventeen" by the Ladytron is one of my favoritesw to dance around the house to. These Eurochic, androgylicious cuties have created a deliciously catchy song about underage temptation, one with obvious nearness and dearness to my heart--and, occastionally, other parts of my body! This is the kind of song that any DJ can put on and know the crowd is going to sing along, dance like crazy, and turn the temperature up! And, not that I would know, but I can imagine a twink go-go boy thinking this was the perfect song to get one's barely legal groove on to.



When I think about the perfect song to blast on my car radio when it's finally warm enough to drive with the windows down, nothing comes to mind more clearly than "Such Great Heights" by the Postal Service. You will notice I didn't picture the band, and that's because, sadly, they aren't very attractive. However, this is the ultimate spring indie pop song. No matter how bad a mood you're in--whether you're sad about who got eliminated on "Idol," or your pet just died, or your boyfriend cheated on you with that fat slut who works at American Eagle--this song will get you happy and smiling.



Now, I know I sound like I'm getting all indie on you, and I don't want you to get that mistaken impression, so here's my all-time Spring dance favorite: pure 80's fabuliciousness with Bananarama! Even on those rainy, dark March days, when you're so impatient for the sun to come out, pop on their greatest hits and it'll be like the middle of June! Some people only know "Venus" and "Cruel Summer," but they have so many other great songs. In fact, I'm listening to "Love in the First Degree Right Now," and it has inspired me to make a playlist of other delightful 80's fun that will put the Spring in your step in every way!

BJ Loves the 80's
Bananarama: "Love in the First Degree"
Samantha Fox: "I Only Want To Be With You"
Debbie Gibson: "Staying Together"
Tiffany: "Radio Romance"
Boy Meets Girl: "Waiting for a Star to Fall"
Roxette: "The Look"
Rick Astley: "Never Gonna Give You Up"
Duran Duran: "Girls on Film"
The Go-Go's: "We Got the Beat"
Madonna: "Into the Groove"
Escape Club: "Wild Wild West"
A Flock of Seagulls: "I Ran"
A-Ha: "Take on Me"

Small-Screen BJ for March 13, 2007

This week, the DVD excitement has forced me to switch my Tuesday and Wednesday features! Sorry for the confusion, but stay turned for the audio round-up tomorrow, and sit back and enjoy:

An Unpredictable BJ



What is it with barely legal (and, in the case of Daniel Radcliffe, nude and underage) Brits these days? The hot streak continues with today's DVD release of Eragon, starring boarding school bombshell Ed Speleers. This boy can ride my dragon anytime! But, seriously, I've never been too much into that whole fantasy thing. Crystals, unicorns, drarves, and wizards . . . I just don't get it. I mean, between the unicorn horns and the magic wands, it's no surprise that one of the most popular magic spells help these sorcerors ride the dragon bareback with safety, but the whole D and D thing just has bad associations. Anyway, I'm going to plan on watching this movie for the CGI effects (that's my public statement and you can't prove otherwise).



Why can't Leo still look like this? Sure, he might not have as easy a time scoring "serious" roles or whatever, but I miss the cute boy who didn't have the bloat, the facial hair, the convincing heterosexuality. Anyway, Leo's the star of today's hottest DVD release, The Blood Diamond. Oh, director Edward Zwick, you are so talented at tackling social issues! Who would've known the diamond industry had such a seedy underbelly (and I'm not talking about Leo's!). I learned something, I got to ogle Djimon Hounsou, and I tried to see if Jennifer Connelly's womanly parts had any permanent damage from that horrific scene in Requiem for a Dream.

Now it's time for another edition of:

Thanks for the BJ Memories

It's the first day of Spring, and what could be more Springy than a classic musical filled with catchy tunes, Hollywood legends, and, most importantly, Judy?



Easter Parade may not be one of the most famous musical of its time, but it is still a great sing-along experience. Have a few gay friends over, put on your laciest bonnet, and pop it in the DVD player and you've got an evening of entertainment!

Unfortunately, it was difficult for me to enjoy this movie for several years, because when I was 15, I participated in the Easter Parade in the neighboring town of Story City, IA. I was dressed as the Goddess of Spring, wearing a flowing pale green dress and carrying a magic wand that was actually a Star Wars promotional light sabre. My tiara was a Burker King birthday crown decorated with my Bedazzler and a hint of puff paint. Needless to say, the good people of the Roland/Story City area were not ready for my fairy goddess, and I barely avoided a public beating. However, I have put all that behind me . . . for Judy!

Mr. BJ Goes to Washington for March 19, 2007

"Welcome to IHOP! We'll be happy to serve you as long as you aren't lesbians! What, you thought we were lesbians? Do we look like carpet munchers to you? I'm sorry, but that Subaru in the parking lot belongs to our MALE manager, Terry. No, we didn't choose the Muzak version of Dar Williams playing in the background. Now get out! No, that's not what we mean . . ."

In case you haven't heard about this incident in Missouri yet, here's the story: A couple of lesbyterians exchanged a kiss at their local IHOP and got booted. Now, I have to assume that there is a reason a lesbian couple were in Missouri in the first place, and then there was a reason they were at IHOP, and then there was a reason they were so happy in said IHOP that they decided to smooch.

But while my mind boggles, I am still outraged that the staff at such a trashy, disgusting restaurant would think they could take the moral high ground. I mean, I have been to the rural pancake-houses of horror in the Midwest. I have seen the customers at Shoney's and IHOP, and I can assure you that there are worse moral crimes than muff diving frequently committed by the people who frequent them. For starters: incest, bestiality, stone-washed denim (with elastic cuffs!), and many more.



In local news, a warning for participants in the Chicago nightlife scene: Next time you are approached by a clean-cut, well-built man in a polo shirt and khakis, and he's reeking of alcohol and dying to swing for the night, watch out! According to this terrifying story in the Sun Times, the CPD has undercover cops pretending to be drunk. Sure, this guy focuses on violent robbers and beggars, but from what I know about straight men undercover, whether drunk or pretending to be drunk, I think the gay community should take this very seriously. Don't think until you can't think, or you might wind up in the pink, and you know what they say about being forced to give up the pink in the clink!

Finally, on a more serious note:

A More Serious BJ

As you all know, it is the fourth anniversary of the war in Iraq. I have nothing to add about how ridiculous this was is, and how our president bascially sucks in every way possible. So, I want to send out my wishes for the unfortunate people in Iraq. May you suffer less in the future, and may our ignorant American countrymen and women leave you alone or at least try to undo the damage they've done in your country.



I know it is a sad state of affairs when this woman won the Miss Iraq 2006 pageant. On behalf of all the politically aware gays in America, this is BJ, wishing you a much, much, much more attractive and glamorous future.

Big-Screen BJ for March 16, 2007

Donnie's back! Or, if he never went away, I certianly haven't kept up with his career, so he's back to me. I'm lucky in that I was the right age to appreciate both waves of boy bands. Sure, I didn't like LIKE NKOTB in the same explicitly sexual way as Juntin Timberlake, but I knew there was something special about the boys from Beantown. Joey was my personal favorite. Oh, Joey Mac, how I dreamed about having a slumber party with him and listening to Tiffany and Debbie Gibson.

Bad boy Donnie was not my favorite. I think it was the facial hair, and the felonies, that put me off. It's just not my thing. But I'm happy that Donnie is back, starring in Dead Silence a horror movie about a killer ventriloquist's dummy. It sounds horrible, but who knows, maybe it'll be up there with Child's Play. In the unlikely case it is actually scary, I'll bring Don, if I can convince him to forget the bruises I left in his arm during Blair Witch.



Perhaps we'll do a horror double-feature and check out Behind the Mask, too. It seems to be a horror/comedy mix with mocumentary elements and the guy who played Freddie Kreuger. So, Christopher Guest does female Freddie morphed into a straight-up slasher? Sounds like I'll need Benadryl to make it through this one. Let's hope it's playing at the movie theater that makes pina coladas.

For you artsy people, Oscar-nominated Kazakh movie Nomad is opening this week. The genuine Kazakh history and scenery may make you forget the portrayal of that country in a certain famous movie that just came out on DVD.

Really, this seems to be a not so interesting week for new movies, but there's figure skating on DVD, a new season of "The Golden Girls" coming from Netflix today, and a pint of Cherry Garcia in the freezer, so I'm set for the weekend.

BJ's Giant Clicker for March 15, 2007

From Hogwart's to high fashion (or at least aspirations thereof): It's Luke Youngblood! This 20-year-old pint-sized cutie, best known for his portrayal of Lee Jordan in two of the Harry Potter movies, is currently appearing in a much different role. Unfortunately, unlike Daniel Radcliffe, he isn't parading around nude! But he also isn't in some stupid play stabbing horse's eyes either.

No, Lukey is on ""Project Catwalk," the British equivalent of "Project Runway." Currently in its second season, this reality TV experience is hosted surprisingly well by Kelly Osbourne. Check it out if you get the chance. It's got just enough drama and some hilarious characters, and is worth watching for Luke's crazy 80's outfits alone. But, whatever you do, don't post spoilers, because I have only finished episode seven and I don't want to leave the edge of my seat.



Finally, last night was the makeover fantasy on ANTM. There was drama, there were tears, and there were weird Photoshop effects in the "after" photos that made every girl look like a trannie. Except Jaslene, who simply became an anorexic man! Seriously, her ice cream photo made her look like she belongs in some famine documentary or Sally Struthers commercial. Eat some dulce de leche instead of wearing it. Maybe her hunger is causing her hearing loss!

Otherwise, Renee continued to be a psychotic bitch, Jael was tortured by a weave and its subsequent removal, as well as the news that her friend died of an overdose. Overdose. Overdose. But she pulled through, with the love of Christ via Whitney, and turned it out. Brittany took a break from PMS crying to win the challenge and take the best photo, plus she told off Renee. If Natasha gets kicked off soon, which I no longer want to happen, she can audition to play Cleopatra in a production of episode 2.10 of "Rome." Also starring a nude Daniel Radcliffe as Mark Antony. Coming soon to Brirtain only!

By the way, Cassandra got her wig-weave and her bad self removed from the show. She was nice, but her train wreck fashions and nicenessness over wantingitnessness didn't cut it for Tyra.



Finally, over on "Idol," Diana Ross showed up looking good and singing bad. Sanjaya got a lovely, feminine perm and shockingly was in the bottom two. Brandon messed up his words and was sent packing. Call me, Brandon! There's nothing like BJ to make you forget your troubles.

I'm already growing weary of "Idol." There are only two contestant that I love, and so many I do not love. And memo to that Jesus-freak fatass with the fro: Even my mom, who watches "Til Death" and loves Taylor Dayne, can tell you're a big phony. Go be a youth minister and take your Jars of Clay to the impressionable, nubile young boys who want your--I mean Christ's--love.

Coming soon: WORLD FIGURE SKATING CHAMPIONSHIPS!!! I'll be talking lots more about that, and tonight's repeat of the European finals, which I am literally dying to see.

Small-Screen BJ for March 14, 2007

From Hedwig to hardcore: John Cameron Mitchell's controversial film Shortbus is now available on DVD. High school students looking for sexy alone time may be disappointed by the distracting plot, which is almost too intelligent for me. It's, like, philosophical and stuff. Speaking of stuff, Johnny boy does something very brave for a gay in his cameo. This is a feel-good movie in one way or another, or both ways, or whatever ways you're in the mood for. You could say it puts the "head" in Hedwig, except I liked Hedwig better.



Daniel Craig can put his royale in BJ's casino any time he wants to! This delicious hunk brought the Bond franchise to life; in fact, you could practically get whiplash from the velocity. This Spring, you can Spring to attention as well with Casino Royale on DVD. I doubt the extras will include anythinig related to the rumors about Danny's sexuality, but a boy can dream. Jesse Metcalfe is a hunk, and Ryan Seacrest is a pocket of playful pleasure, but Craig beats them both handily. And I do mean handily.

And now, it is time to debut a brand spanking new feature on this blog. Each Wednesday, as a part of Small-Screen BJ, I will include one classic and/or seasonal DVD title for:

Thanks for the BJ Memories

Today's choice is, in honor of St. Patrick's Day on Saturday, is Leprechaun 3. Warwick Davis, who is shorter than Ryan Seacrest and uglier than Verne Troyer, dons his feminine heels for the third out of too many installments in this series. He drinks, he steals, and he wreacks general dwarfish havok in Sin City.



John Gatkins is the protagonist, and there is at least one delicious shirtless photo of this smooth hunk. Add a sassy Jewish broad, an Indian pawn shop clerk, and special effects that would make only Ed Wood jealous, and you've got a perfect match for Irish car bombs (the drink, of course, sweeties)!

This is BJ Casanova, wishing you pleasant dreams and not horrific Leprechaun nightmares.

Audio BJ for March 13, 2007

One of the great modern mysteries in the gay music/tv world just got weirder. Remember Mario Lopez from "American Idol," the cute, probably gay guy who left in the middle of the competition for no clear reason? Incidentally, doesn't he look like Marco from "Degrassi"?

Access Hollywood has the DL on the new lawsuit filed against Mario by some minor employee of the show at the time with the gender-ambiguous name of Magdaleno Olmos. Apparently, Mario undressed Magdaleno with his eyes and tried to start some glory hole or bathroom gay porn scene in the studio.

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with Magdaleno Olmos? What kind of world do we live in where a cute gay tries to hook up with another guy, and instead of excitement, the result is a lawsuit? I don't know what Mario's music sounds like, but if he ever comes to Chicago, I'm getting a VIP pass and scouting out the secret bathrooms pronto!



Remember that great dance song, "Missing" by Everything But the Girl? Well, that girl is Tracey Thorn, and her new solo album Out of the Woods comes out today. She certainly looks like a lesbian, but I don't know which team she bats for. I do know, however, that the gays love her and her old band. Is she the Annie Lennox of our generation? Get this album and find out!

Finally, for all you dirty indie rockers and hipsters out there, a new Modest Mouse album is coming out. Honestly, I don't think they're hot and I don't get their music, but like anyone my age, I had to pretend to like that whole indie thing just because everyone else did in college. Was I a BJ poseur? Well, maybe, but who can go through four years of college parties without pretending to like some stupid trendy band just for the change of a sleazy hook-up with a cute boy in tight clothes?

Anyway, I hear their new music is more disco, or more mainstream, or something, so maybe I will actually like this album. I'll give it a try, and that means a lot coming from someone in a monogamous relationship.

Mr. BJ Goes to Washington for March 12, 2007

Saturday brought the death of one of the most exciting gay cultural traditions in the country: gay night at the Roxy in New York. I wish I could have been there to cry into my sex on the beach while watching go-go boys oscillate tragically to "Last Dance" (final DJ Peter Rauhofer played it twice in to row to end the party). Instead, I was watching some fat bitch drag queen doing "You Oughta Know" at a charity event for my travel agency, Pegasus Wings. The only interesting part of the evening was when a bunch of drunk Japanese businessmen stumbled in and one of them wound up performing a duet to "Lost in Your Eyes" with Miss Carriage.

Anyway, I had always planned on earning my Roxy wings one day, but there were so many other gay experiences I wanted to have in New York, I never made it. Look at Madonna performing at the Roxy above, shed a single glittering disco-tear, and pray that Happy Valley will still be fabulous when I hit the big gay apple next month.



According to right-wing columnist Madeline Crabb, we're not headed to Hell, but we are headed to Sodom and Gomorrah! I think I'm going to see if Pegasus Wings can offer a big, hot package to that sinfully fantastic destination! In this article, Crabb, the founder of the vaguely named Reclaiming Our Republic Campaign, rants about teachers who dare expose our youngsters to the seedy genital-like evil of homo-hood!

Seriously, I'm no English major (Econ here!), but I don't think Crabby knows what the word "indoctrinate" means. (Her hair is another issue, but that hardly needs pointing out.) Some stupid bitch worrying that gay is going to become "normal" is so passe. If these morons can't tell the difference between teaching people that everyone isn't straight and recruiting 6-year-olds to experiment with buttplay, I say we ship them off to Fire Island for the summer, lock them up, and force them to watch episodes of "Seventh Heaven" until they give in.

Then again, maybe Crabb is right in a way. According to this piece, things are looking good for the Q's right here in Chicago--better yet, the burbs! The "mother of eight" in Deerfield may be bitter than God told her not to use condoms, but there's no reason to take it out on the poor BLT's just trying to be heard.

And the poor, poor homophobic bigots in the school are complaining about being bullied just because they hate gays! Oh, cry me a motherfucking river. If my child came home from from school crying because someone correctly called him a bigot, I'd ask where it hurts and bitch slap the tender area to make it worse.

Anyway, enough politics for one day. All this serious talk is making me long for a bag of Skittles and my Troop Beverly Hills DVD, so I'll see you tomorrow when we get back to what really matters: trashy pop culture dish!

BJ's Wild for the Beach

With the sudden hot explosion of Spring-like weather here in Chicago, I can't help thinking about going to the beach. Even though I've lived in the Midwest all my life, if there's a beach nearby, you can't keep BJ away! I don't care if it's a lake, a river, or a fjord--I will be there and I will be fabulous.

However, what is decidedly unfabulous is the winter and holiday weight I still haven't shed. I'm sure many of you are in the same situation: you don't have the metabilism of a teenage boy, you never did, and you can't stand to look at teenage boys because of their damn chicken legs and Cambodian waistlines, but even though you can't stand it, you also can't manage to look away.

As I hit the treadmill, I need an energetic dance playlist to pump me up, get my blood flowing, and encourage me that all the sweat will be worth it when I make my beach debut.

Working Out with BJ
Rednex: "Cotton Eye Joe"
Darude: "Sandstorm"
2 Unlimited: "No Limit"
Cascada: "Every Time We Touch"
Vengaboys: "Boom Boom Boom Boom"
Technotronic: "Pump Up the Jam"
La Bouche: "Be My Lover"
Ace of Base: "Beautiful Life"
Debbie Gibson: "Shake Your Love"
Kim Sozzi: "Alone"
Aqua: "Dr Jones"
Ashley Simpson: "Dancing Alone"
Avril Lavigne: "Girlfriend"
Bang!: "Superhero"
Enigma: "Return to Innocence"
Ladytron: "Seventeen"
Postal Service: "Such Great Heights"
Chemical Brothers: "Block Rockin' Beats"
Madonna: "The Power of Goodbye (dance remix)"
The Go-Go's: "Vacation"

Big-Screen BJ for March 9, 2007

It's hard to say that Abigail Breslin was robbed at the Oscars, but any other year, which is to imply any year where the divalicious Jennifer Hudson was not up against her, it would have been a different story. The adorable, simply edible Breslin, whose performance in Little Miss Sunshine was hilarious, touching, and cool, was right up there with the other amazingly brilliant actors in the cast. Twenty years from now, when we look back at the films of the 00's, I predict that LMS will stand the test of time much better than many Oscar winners.

For now, though, Abigail Herself is back on the big screen as Emily in The Ultimate Gift, about a wealthy young man who must complete twelve tasks to earn his inheritance from his recently groaked grandpapa. The bad news: this movie was made by the Christian wing (angelic, to be certain) of Fox. The good news: Abby B. is playing a Leukemia victim, so next year may be Oscar time!



Hot ethnic boy alert! That's right, Kal Penn is moving on up after the homophobic piece of crap that was Van Wilder Part Deux (and without Ryan Reynolds, it was tragic for gay men in another way). The former and future Kumar tackles a serious role in The Namesake, adapted from the debut novel of Pulitzer Prize-winning author Jhumpa Lahiri. This movie comes with a literary pedigree and an experienced directrix (Mira Nair), and looks to be a heartwarming Desi chickflick. Add a hint of nudity (I hereby TM Pennis if no one has yet!), and I am so there.



Also opening in seleced cities today: the Korean smash hit The Host, a monster movie that is also supposed to be a political allegory about dumb Americans, toxic waste, or something. I don't know if I'll get the politics, but sometimes I just want to settle in with a big bag of popcorn wanting to shriek with terror. The Korean movies I've seen in the past have made me shriek with disgust instead, though, so hopefully this one is more Godzilla than Reservoir Dogs.

This is BJ Casanova signing out for the week, and wishing you cinematic pleasure!

BJ's Giant Clicker for March 8, 2007

Her name is 'Nella and she screeches on TV . . .

Seriously, just look at those lips! I think I may lose claim to my own name if I meet Antonella Barba. Needless to say, sweeties, the sucking she does on "American Idol" is the only kind I'd ever want to see or experience, and hopefully she will be gone today. In my day, there was a real sense of class about these things. I'm talking, of course, about Frenchie Davis.

If Sanjaya goes home tonight, and for his future mental well-being I really hope he does (plus, he makes me feel extremely fat, which is the same reason I can't watch Asian films), this will be the straightest season of "Idol" since, well, possibly ever! Not that I'm implying we should bring back Jim Verraros, but still. Without the gays, all we have are the black women (and presumably Ryan), but I supposed that's enough for the time being.



I still miss Kathleen, you know? Like, she was the greatest, you know? Anyway, I'll save my ANTM comments for The Vibe, except to note that Renee needs to be beaten unconscious with the business end of a spike heel, and I want to go to an 80's prom and a ghetto prom! Come on, gay club promoters in Chicago, show us the money!



I am starting a new experiment in BJ's Giant Clicker right here, right now! It's called "The Passion of the BJ," and every Thursday I will write a steamy, erotic, yet religiously inspired recap of the latest episode of my favorite story, "Passions."

The Passion of the BJ for March 8, 2007

We begin with Chad enterting the Church of Our Hot Father, where he gets down on his knees mere centimeters away from Ethan, who is wearing a priest collar and a black thong with bedazzled images from the scriptures. Chad opens wide and confesses his affair in his own special way. Ethan gasps, then moans that Chad must get rid of his mistress. When Chad finds out she is already at the Seascape Icon Store with his wife, he gulps in terror.

Theresa is suffering, and Justin isn't sure whether she wants to become a saint, or whether she just wants to engage in some light bondage and that's what she meant when she told him she wanted to get married.

Miguel, at the Blessed Lady Bunny Hospital, realizes he is getting the "real treatment" from the male nurses there, which makes him wonder if Fox's evil plot was holier than James Edward Olmos's face. Fox asks a nurse what was really in Miguel's "IV bag," but the nurse says the symptoms are psychosomatic. Kay, witnessing this entire exchange, is confuddled and bites loudly into a TestaMint.

Chris and Fancy, at a disco party at the local teen center, wonder where Luis and Sheridan are. Are they together? Are they committing sins? Chris hopes Sheridan is not straying from the marital bed with her evil feminine wicked parts, and Fancy tries to believe as well, since the alternative of wicked whoremongery is so awful. If only they knew Sheridan was fantasizing about a wet and wild makeout session right then and not there! Right after her wicked fantasy, Luis and Sheridan are talking about Fancy and Sheridan implies that Fancy did something wicked and sinful in the past and can never again be trusted.

Small-Screen BJ for March 7, 2007

Do you know who this manboy is? Maybe you don't recognize him with some clothes on, but this is Stonie, aka Borat's son! Now that Borat is on DVD, members of the gay community should stand at attention at the thrilling opportunity to freeze-frame those naked shots.

Except . . . Stonie is a gay porn star with quite a few films under his belt (does that term apply here?). You can see a whole lot more of him by checking out your local video store with a back room. Speaking of which, there is a store here in Chicago called Rainbow Fantasy video where I often go to rent GLBT art films. One day, while I was looking for a new Gregg Araki release, I accidentally wandered into the adult section. Within seconds, my tender eyes witnessed so much filth, but to make matters worse, a man who was clearly over 40 grabbed his crotch suggestively while staring at me!

Needless to say, I will no longer be patronizing Rainbow Fantasy.



Also available as of this week is a new expanded edition of The Full Monty. This is one of those special films to my heart, as it was one of the first real indie movies I ever saw after escaping from Roland, Iowa, but it was also a movie that helped me whip off my front of heterosexuality (which turned out to be fooling almost no one) and expose my gayosity to the world!

Finally, yet another new season of "The Golden "Girls" is out this week, but the first season of "Bosom Buddies" is finally coming out very soon as well. It's about time that every episode from the history of these light and lovely old sitcoms became available. Here's hoping "Nurses" is coming soon as well!

P.S. In response to the hundreds of angry comments about my belated BJ-giving (all but noe of which I erased in the interest of simplicity), let me apologize again. Last night I had to work late, then make dinner, do dishes and laundry, and watch three hours of TV (I skipped "Top Design" so it should have been four), so this post got lost in the busy schedule. I promise to continue trying my very, very hardest to give you all the BJ you deserve.